“SHAY,
Hey, speaking of porn I have a question for you.
My boyfriend an I have been living together for about 2 months and something I noticed since then has been his time spent on internet porn. He spends about 2 or 3 hours a night looking at it and spend about $200 a month on it. We have a great sex life and watch videos together but after I go to bed he gets on his computer.
I have tried to include myself but he will only stay online if I am not around. I get the feeling he spent more time and money on his little hobby before we got a place together so maybe its not as strange as it feels.
Anyway what are your two cents?“
This is an excellent question. People have all kinds of hang ups about sex and this particular issue doesn’t often get a lot of airtime.
There are likely a lot of factors at work here.
On one hand some people have a higher sex drive than others and so I could see him feeling the urge to look at porn after you’ve gone to bed so that he can fulfill his urges without disturbing you.
HOWEVER, from what you’ve said, it sounds like this is not the case – since you ARE trying to involve yourself in his porn time and HE is the one rejecting you.
I did check with a couple of guys who I know frequently check porn sites, they told me that sometimes it’s just something to do when you’re bored. They’ll surf for free porn or access sites like camcrush (my fault, I turned them onto that one) when they aren’t quite ready for bed but don’t want to really *do* anything.
However, these guys all agreed that they would have no problem with their girlfriends (or any woman – for the single fellas) joining them, in fact they said they would be ecstatic.
And this is a healthy attitude – if there is sex to be had, usually healthy people will choose the sex over masturbation.
Maybe your man has a deep rooted problem with looking at porn. Maybe he feels guilty about it and that’s why he doesn’t want you involved. People who have been taught that looking at porn and masturbating is wrong, tend to have problems watching porn with others. For some people it’s as bad as letting someone watch them pop their pimples.
Maybe he’s ashamed that he’s addicted to porn and shoos you away to save face.
Maybe your boyfriend feels like he’s cheating on you by looking at porn and doesn’t want to expose you to his “other women”
Those are a lot of maybes and you can probably rule some out after a serious conversation with him. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying porn, but if it’s taking over someone’s life it might be a good idea to seek a little couples counseling.
If he really is addicted to porn in a conventional sense, as in he needs to look at it because it’s the only way to relieve his stress, then he may need a little professional counseling – like any addict – to help with getting him off his dependency.
Perhaps my readers can offer a few more ideas?
I hope that helps.
I’d wonder what kind of porn he’s looking at- maybe he has a fetish and is afraid you’d think less of him if he shared it. It does sound like he might be embarrassed about it.
Or maybe it’s his hobby, what he does in his alone time/alone-with-the-computer time. The behavior is closer to compulsive than addictive really.
Very interesting question and great answer. I like your list of ‘maybes’. Since they watch porn together, I think maybe the guilt factor is not that important. To me it sounds as if he has to give in to the desire to fantasize with other girls. Not a pleasant situation, but a good talk may indeed help. – A
If the lives of this couple together are not affected sexual or otherwise then this should not be a problem. The reader stated that their sexual relationship was fine and that they even watched porn together. I am thinking that it is just a habit and will work itself out in time. If it doesn’t then that is the time to talk about it and if he is unwilling then maybe counseling would be in order.
Relationships are hard enough without manufacturing problems. If it isn’t broke then don’t try to fix it. Relationships are a work of compromise. I wish the best of luck to this reader.
As always, Shay, spot on advise.
Speaking from personal experience, it could be a form of stress release for him to look at porn alone. I know it is for me. When I’m alone, I’m totally focused on me – the physical effects as well as the mental. When I’m with her, I’m more focused on her and our relationship. The purpose of two events, although related by porn and thier sexual nature, are caused by very different things, stress releif and porn. Some people exercise to relieve stress, or knit, or talk, or read, while others focus on something that gives them pleasure to relieve it.
I would be more worried about spending $200/month on porn. A magazine subscription is cheaper and there’s plenty of free stuff on the net.
$200 per month?!? That’s the real problem here. Perhaps he’s into something particularly perverse, and thus expensive…
And if not, he needs to discover file-sharing networks and BitTorrent. Quickly.
Off topic – love the pic of Rei! (although the spelling of ‘EvangeRion’ cracked me up). Quite delicious.
xx Dee