“I am 18, and a bit of a loner. I have never been in a relationship of any kind, and I’d just like to ask how the entire process works.  I have girl friends, of course, but it’s the all important space between the words. As a bit of background, I am a geek, smart, but socially inept. I have no idea what to say to people, and thus never make the first move in any way. If someone else starts a conversation with me, I can generally muddle along, but I am forever second guessing myself. I would not say that I lack confidence, but I tend to be very self-conscious, especially about what others think of me, not so much my appearance. For example, this is the third rewrite of this question I’ve done, because I am often considered to be arrogant, and I am really trying hard to remedy this. At this point, I’m not even sure I have a question, or whether I just need to tell someone how insecure I’m feeling. “

It sounds like maybe what you need is just more experience with people; this will make it easier for you to get a handle on the complicated ways that people relate to one another. Also, the more you spend time with people, the easier it will become for you and you’ll grow to be more confident/comfortable. Confidence is important because it’s something that other people pick up on, especially the women you might want to date.

In fact, sometimes even pretending that you are confident/comfortable in a situation can make you feel more confident. Act relaxed and you’ll feel more relaxed, etc.  As they say “fake it ’till you make it”.

Also, don’t worry about all the girls that are your friends: friends who are girls often have other friends who are also girls and they may be happy to introduce these friends to you as romantic prospects. ^_^

You say you’re very busy in your life, so I think it might be good for you to take some time to relax and plan some outings with friends – go with them to a party once in a while. It will give you the opportunity to watch how other people interact and will give you the chance to meet some new people and practice becoming more comfortable interacting with people.

You could even plan to go see movies with friends – this kind of outing is great if you’re worried about having something to say to other people, because you can just talk about the movie.  ^_^

Relationships can be built many different ways.  Some people end up in romantic relationships with people they started out being friends with; this offers the advantage of being involved with someone who you already know you get along with and with whom you have things in common.   Other people end up in romantic relationships more spontaneously, perhaps after a blind date or after meeting when out with mutual friends.

You never know how you’re going to meet a romantic partner, so they key is to be open to seeing it and make a move when you think they might be interested.

I hope this helps!

Going for drinks after a show is a great idea because it automatically gives you a topic for small talk

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This post, Dating and Relating, originally appeared on the s spot on July 26, 2010. If you are viewing it anywhere other than in a feed reader, it was scraped illegally and without my permission. Please email the(dot)s(dot)spot(at)gmail(dot)com and let me know.
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“My Girlfriend is into anal play. She likes to play with me in that area plus she wants me to play with her there also. I am not at all comfortable with her playing with that area on me, but it is something she really enjoys and REALLY wants to do. I just can’t let her I almost want to hit her when she tries, that is how uncomfortable with it I am. Plus is it even safe to put an unprotected hand in there? She is so into Anal play and I can do it on her but I can’t let her do it to me, what should we do?“

On one hand I want to tell you to loosen up (literally) because I was raised to always give new things a chance.  Besides, it sounds like your girlfriend just wants to share something with you that she really enjoys.  There IS a lot of fun to be had by the men who are willing to try anal play – in fact, I’ve written a whole post about it HERE.  So if you just relax and open yourself to this new experience you could discover a brand-new way to enjoy your body as well as a new way to have sex with your girlfriend.
(If you’re interested, I have a whole series of posts on anal stuff HERE.)

HOWEVER
On the other hand, I don’t think that people should have to do things in bed that they are uncomfortable with.  If you’re not ready (even if you’re never ready) to try anal play yourself, you have a right to say no – just like anyone else.  It may disappoint your girlfriend, but it’s your body and you get to decide what happens to it and what goes inside it.

You will have to talk to your girlfriend and tell her how you feel – let her know that you’re not ready (and that you may never be ready) to let her put even her pinky finger up your bum, but that you’re happy to stimulate her anally if that’s what she’d like.

I hope that helps!

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This post, Afraid of Anal Play, originally appeared on the s spot on June 13, 2010. If you are viewing it anywhere other than in a feed reader, it was scraped illegally and without my permission. Please email the(dot)s(dot)spot(at)gmail(dot)com and let me know.
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“so I bought my girl a dildo at a local sexshop, and, I want to ask you, is it just because she’s never had a dildo inside her or does the dildo have to do something with it because she kept complaining it hurt, untill I took it out, and it accidentaly slipped, it got a nasty crack, so, yeah, it was kind of a waste.“

Dildos can be a little tricky, it’s always good to go with a smaller diameter for your first one.  Sometimes thicker dildos can be uncomfortable when you’re new to using toys.

But it sounds like you two might be better off getting a cheaper mini vibe if you want a starter toy – it will be more fun, you won’t have to worry about it hurting your girlfriend (because you use it externally), and it will be cheaper.  Some mini vibes you can even use together, while you’re having sex, like this one – which is a great bonus.

It’s also not a good idea to keep using your sex toys once they start cracking or breaking – a solid dildo might be okay, but if the casing of a vibe cracks you’ll want to throw it out or recycle it.  You don’t want to risk any complications if your lube leaks inside and gets on the motor or batteries or, vice-versa,  if any toxic chemicals start leaking out.

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This post, Dildo and Vibe Safety, originally appeared on the s spot on June 5, 2010. If you are viewing it anywhere other than in a feed reader, it was scraped illegally and without my permission. Please email the(dot)s(dot)spot(at)gmail(dot)com and let me know.
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“I was recently given a dildo by a friend as I kept complaining about my lack of sex. Now I’m alone in the house, everyone out working or getting educated, I thought I’d try it out. So I lubed up and got playing with myself. After I orgasmed, thus I thought fully relaxed, I applied more lube to the dildo before trying to use it. No matter how, what angle or position it hurt as I started to penetrate me. I’ll admit towards the end I was getting tense so it would have been even more painful.

So I was kind of wondering, what advice would you give to a first time dildo user?“

My best advice for a new dildo user (male or female) is to just take it really slow.
Make sure everything is well lubricated and that you’re well turned on (which it sounds like you did take care of).

It’s also important to start out with a smaller dildo.
It may be that the one you’re trying is just too big for you right now; it might be better to start with something smaller and move up to thicker toys as you feel ready.

A thick dildo might not be as comfortable as a thinner one for now, especially if you’re feeling a littler nervous about using it, but eventually you can work your way up to something thicker as you get more used to what your body likes/needs/wants, and your body gets more used to how you want to play with it. ^_^

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This post, Advice for a New Dildo User, originally appeared on the s spot on March 11, 2010. If you are viewing it anywhere other than in a feed reader, it was scraped illegally and without my permission. Please email the(dot)s(dot)spot(at)gmail(dot)com and let me know.
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“Hey Shay, i’m still a virgin, but recently my boyfriend and I are trying to have sex.
The first time he tried to penetrate was painful but i was sort of expecting that. But now it’s been a few weeks, and we have tried several times but the pain is too much for me to bear. And in my head i’m thinking that he is too big, so in my own time i’m trying to get ‘accustomed’ to a larger size. However, while trying it out on myself with something that really isnt much thicker or bigger than he is, i’ve realised that the pain isn’t actually my hymen as the pain is from the top of the vagina opening not the bottom. Should i be worried? Or is it all in my head? Because to be honest, i do doubt that its my hymen thats causing the problem. If you can help that would be great! And i’m sorry if this type of question has been posted before… i’m new to your blog and very impressed by it (not to mention learning alot too). Thanks Shay :)“

I think your instincts are correct, it probably isn’t your hymen that’s bothering you.  There is a bone in your pubic area and some cartilage at the top of your vagina, so that could be what you’re hitting.  I’ve had similar trouble if I don’t take the time to get properly warmed up before I test out some of the thicker toys I’ve reviewed.  Usually if you take the time to get really relaxed and turned on, things become more flexible and you should have less trouble/pain.

Check out some of my posts for first timers HERE because there might be some other useful advice for you there as well. ^_^

I hope that helps.  If you do keep finding sex painful after a few more attempts, you could try asking your doctor/gynecologist to see if they have any other ideas for you.

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This post, Painful Penetration, originally appeared on the s spot on February 22, 2010. If you are viewing it anywhere other than in a feed reader, it was scraped illegally and without my permission. Please email the(dot)s(dot)spot(at)gmail(dot)com and let me know.
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“Hi Shay!  I’m a new reader, and I just wanted to ask about something that’s been bugging me and my girlfriend for a while.
We’ve been considering having sex in the shower, but we don’t really know what that means for protection. Do condoms work in water, will lube just be washed off, etc. Also, I’m sure we’ll get better at this once we try it, but do you have any tips for positions or other ideas?“

Yup! Condoms work just fine in water – so you can wear them into the shower, tub, pool, wherever you’re taking your penis.  However, it might be a little tricky to put them on WHILE you’re in the shower, so you might want to get hard and put it on before you get in (or hop out, dry your peen a bit, and slide it on).

As for lube, yeah the lube on the condom and your KY will mostly be washed away by the water, but her natural juices should be a little more resilient.  If you’d like to have some extra lube, try using something silicone based because it’ll stand up better to wet conditions. ^_~

Shower sex can be a lot of fun, but you do have to be a little bit careful because you certainly don’t want to slip and fall (hint: that can be a bit of a mood killer). My fave shower sex positions are all standing ones.   You could press her up against the wall of the shower and have sex facing each other; or she could put one leg up on the edge of the tub to give you better access while you hold her steady; or she could face away from you, bending over a little and bracing herself on the shower wall while you do her from behind.  If you don’t trust your legs, you could always sit on the edge of the tub while she rides in your lap, either facing away from you or face to face.

If you have a detachable shower head, you might enjoy using that to stimulate each other before and while you’re having sex – as well as to just run it over each other if you start to get cold.

The shower can also be a great place to experiment with “messier” things that you might have wanted to try – facials (since your partner can wash their face right away), watersports, etc.

Some warnings:
Be careful of the shower curtain, try not to snag it or hold on to it because you could rip it off it’s hooks.  Check out the shower curtain rod too – if it doesn’t look screwed into the wall don’t grab onto it for balance (even if it does look steady, go easy on it when you hold it).  Also, make sure there are no drips of soap or lube on the floor of the shower, as I mentioned above slipping and hurting yourself kinda kills the buzz. You might want to look into getting something like THIS if you need an extra handhold while you’re in the shower.
Another tip for shower sex – wash the soap off your bodies first, there are some places that just don’t need your bodywash (like the inside of a vagina)!

Water saving tip – shower foreplay and sex is fun, but you can conserve water by starting your foreplay before you get in, while the two of you are undressing each other.

Have fun!

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This post, Shower Sex, originally appeared on the s spot on December 14, 2009. If you are viewing it anywhere other than in a feed reader, it was scraped illegally and without my permission. Please email the(dot)s(dot)spot(at)gmail(dot)com and let me know.
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“I have three questions. I’ll be straight and to the point, then provide background. Alright? Here goes.  My boyfriend is a little dense when it comes to sexual things, what’s the best way to go about teaching him?  And two, do scratches in the va-goo heal quickly, or would they easily be infected?  And the last, but most perplexing. How does one go about sexing when the two persons are different size catagories.  (i.e. Fluffy large framed femme and medium fairly built male.)“

For your first question, I guess the best advice I can give you is for you to just tell him what you like.

I get that sometimes this seems tricky because people don’t want to seem bossy or overly demanding in bed, but there are subtle ways to do this. A lot of guys (esp the ones who care about how their partner is enjoying themselves) pay close attention to their partner’s reactions – what kind of things make them moan, gasp, or pull away.

So give him lots of positive reinforcement (moaning, telling him “that’s the spot”, etc) when he does stuff that you like. When he does stuff that you don’t like, or isn’t quite hitting the mark, try just gently grabbing his hand or body and shifting him/you until things are where and how you like them.

Another thing you can try is watching a little porn together. While you’re watching, point out things to him that you think might be fun to try or that you think might feel good – “ooh I bet that feels nice, do you want to try that?”

Next, vaginal scratches – yeah, if possible avoid having anything scratchy go anywhere near your vagina. He should be keeping his nails short (and clean!) if he wants his fingers inside you. Little surface scratches like that should heal fairly quickly, but look out for any soreness or swelling that lasts more than a day or two.

And finally, managing size differences – it’s not difficult usually, there are a number of positions where size doesn’t matter much – like any position where he’s entering you from behind (doggy style, spooning, etc). Try sitting on your desk while he stands between your thighs – that way you can face each other and he can fondle you, etc, while you have sex without either of you having to be on top of the other. (Pssst: this is also a great position for dealing with high differences!)

Good luck!

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This post, Getting What You Want In Bed, originally appeared on the s spot on November 6, 2009. If you are viewing it anywhere other than in a feed reader, it was scraped illegally and without my permission. Please email the(dot)s(dot)spot(at)gmail(dot)com and let me know.
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