“Dear Shay, i’ve got a quick n short question for you
i’ve been in a relationship for more than a year now, and we’re, of course, sexually active since the begining of our relationship
we have sex 3 to 4 times a week, and since then, i’ve never masturbated: i don’t see the need, and the quality of the orgasm that i can get masturbating is not even close to the one that sex delivers. Of course, i’m not counting when she masturbates me)
the problem is this: since last week, first her and now me got the flu, and i think i’ll arrive at the 2 weeks without sex mark easiyly. Do i wait until we’re both healthy again? do i venture on masturbating on my own? can you give me any tips on either improving my mastubation, or ease the wait until i can do it again?“

O.o
As I’m sure many of my single readers (or those who are in long distance relationships) can attest, it’s not like 2 weeks without sex is going to kill you.  In fact, it might make it that much sweeter when you two do feel well enough to have sex again.  So I’m not sure why this is such a big deal.

But hey, maybe I’m jaded?

Personally, unless you’re really really sick, I don’t see why recovering from the flu should get in the way of having sex.  You’re already bundled up in bed and, unless you’re vomiting/running a high fever/super achy, you two might enjoy a little tender sick-sex.  It boosts your immune systems and the shot of endorphins is great when you’re not feeling so hot.  Besides, if you’re too sick to have sex, you’re probably too sick to jerk off too.

But hey, maybe I’m just a crazy person and maybe your partner is too shy to let you see her when she’s sick and lounging around in her pajama pants and a hoodie.

I’m sure one or two guys might disagree with me, but in general, masturbating is not going to feel as good as when your partner either has sex with you or does it for you, it’s just not.  I’m sure you’ve perfected your technique as best as you can over years of practice; so I’m not sure what I can suggest for “improving your masturbation”… um… use lube?  Get a masturbation sleeve? Perhaps some of my other readers may have some other tips?

I hope this helps. :)

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This post, Too Sick for Sex?, originally appeared on the s spot on August 31, 2010. If you are viewing it anywhere other than in a feed reader, it was scraped illegally and without my permission. Please email the(dot)s(dot)spot(at)gmail(dot)com and let me know.
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“so I bought my girl a dildo at a local sexshop, and, I want to ask you, is it just because she’s never had a dildo inside her or does the dildo have to do something with it because she kept complaining it hurt, untill I took it out, and it accidentaly slipped, it got a nasty crack, so, yeah, it was kind of a waste.“

Dildos can be a little tricky, it’s always good to go with a smaller diameter for your first one.  Sometimes thicker dildos can be uncomfortable when you’re new to using toys.

But it sounds like you two might be better off getting a cheaper mini vibe if you want a starter toy – it will be more fun, you won’t have to worry about it hurting your girlfriend (because you use it externally), and it will be cheaper.  Some mini vibes you can even use together, while you’re having sex, like this one – which is a great bonus.

It’s also not a good idea to keep using your sex toys once they start cracking or breaking – a solid dildo might be okay, but if the casing of a vibe cracks you’ll want to throw it out or recycle it.  You don’t want to risk any complications if your lube leaks inside and gets on the motor or batteries or, vice-versa,  if any toxic chemicals start leaking out.

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This post, Dildo and Vibe Safety, originally appeared on the s spot on June 5, 2010. If you are viewing it anywhere other than in a feed reader, it was scraped illegally and without my permission. Please email the(dot)s(dot)spot(at)gmail(dot)com and let me know.
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“I’ve been working up the courage to ask because this has been bothering me for a while but I’m quite shy about talking about it!  My problem is that I can’t seem to orgasm properly through masturbation! It hasn’t always been this way but for the past couple of months, my orgasms come very quickly and last barely a second before my clit gets too sensitive for me to touch! If I try again after five minutes or so, I can be trying for half an hour and get nothing out of it. Is there something wrong?“

This happens to me sometimes too – like my orgasms are running low on power – and it’s really frustrating!!
I find that what usually puts me back on track is taking a few days off, it’s almost like that lets the internal “orgasms pressure” build up again. The other thing that sometimes works for me is getting really turned on with a fantasy or porn before I start touching myself.

One more suggestion is a piece of advice that I’ll often give to guys who are worried about finishing too quickly: as you approach your threshold, try to concentrate on how it feels – that tension – then ease off on what you’re doing and try to hold on to it for as long as possible before you start up again and then let go and orgasm. Don’t try to distract yourself by thinking about something else. Over time this kind of technique can help you learn to hold on a little bit longer before you orgasm.

So try those three things and hopefully we can get you back on track.

(Alternatively, if you’ve just started a new type of hormonal birth control, that could be throwing your system off track. It might take a month or two for your body to adjust – if this is the case and your body doesn’t adjust, you might want to switch to a new formula.)

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This post, In Need of a Stronger Orgasm, originally appeared on the s spot on May 4, 2010. If you are viewing it anywhere other than in a feed reader, it was scraped illegally and without my permission. Please email the(dot)s(dot)spot(at)gmail(dot)com and let me know.
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“Hey, Shay, long time reader, first time desperate advice seeker.
At the tender age of 25, I just figured out how to make myself orgasm. As I’ve been a pretty sexually active girl who *thought* she knew her own body for the past 12 years, it came as quite a shock. The worst part is that I’ve only ever been able to manage it with anal and clitoral stimulation – I have to overload my body. I thought it wasn’t possible for girls to come from anything but their clit or their g-spot… am I super broken, or do I just have a few wires crossed?

(The worst part of all of this is how bad I feel when my awesome boyfriend doesn’t make me come during sex. I’ve explained it to him, and he says he understands and he’s cool with it, but still I feel kinda bad.)“

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you – there’s no rule for what is or isn’t supposed to make your orgasm.
There are all kinds of little hot spots and buttons all over our bodies and any combination (or repeated pressings – to really push my metaphor to the edge) could work for someone.  You just have a different combination of buttons that work for you than what the mainstream media would like you to believe is common.
In fact, I’m just happy you figured out how to orgasm at all! A sad amount of women never even get to figure out as much as you have already.

Maybe you and your boyfriend could experiment with other ways that you can “overload” your body – you might not be able find a way to orgasm with him, but it sure could be a lot of fun trying! ^_^  Most women can’t orgasm during sex – they just can’t seem to get the right kind of stimulation from penetrative vaginal sex.  Some of these women may also not be able to tell if they DO orgasm during sex, because it might not feel the same as when they masturbate (for example it could be a less intense version of their orgasm, or feel like it’s focused somewhere else).

So basically: keep having fun, keep enjoying yourself with your boyfriend, and grab your orgasms where and when you can – don’t stress so much about the how.

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This post, There are Many Ways to Orgasm, originally appeared on the s spot on April 26, 2010. If you are viewing it anywhere other than in a feed reader, it was scraped illegally and without my permission. Please email the(dot)s(dot)spot(at)gmail(dot)com and let me know.
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“I was recently given a dildo by a friend as I kept complaining about my lack of sex. Now I’m alone in the house, everyone out working or getting educated, I thought I’d try it out. So I lubed up and got playing with myself. After I orgasmed, thus I thought fully relaxed, I applied more lube to the dildo before trying to use it. No matter how, what angle or position it hurt as I started to penetrate me. I’ll admit towards the end I was getting tense so it would have been even more painful.

So I was kind of wondering, what advice would you give to a first time dildo user?“

My best advice for a new dildo user (male or female) is to just take it really slow.
Make sure everything is well lubricated and that you’re well turned on (which it sounds like you did take care of).

It’s also important to start out with a smaller dildo.
It may be that the one you’re trying is just too big for you right now; it might be better to start with something smaller and move up to thicker toys as you feel ready.

A thick dildo might not be as comfortable as a thinner one for now, especially if you’re feeling a littler nervous about using it, but eventually you can work your way up to something thicker as you get more used to what your body likes/needs/wants, and your body gets more used to how you want to play with it. ^_^

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This post, Advice for a New Dildo User, originally appeared on the s spot on March 11, 2010. If you are viewing it anywhere other than in a feed reader, it was scraped illegally and without my permission. Please email the(dot)s(dot)spot(at)gmail(dot)com and let me know.
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So, I recruited a straight guy friend to watch it with me (to provide a guy’s perspective for you) and we popped it in (the DVD not… you know… ^_~) to have a look.

What we liked:  The nice thing about watching a big budget porn is the attention to detail; the sets were nice, the costumes were good, and everything looked great.   Alektra Blue played a fantastic android (all joking aside about porn actresses’ ability), I was extremely impressed with how well she stayed in character.  However, for me, personally, Kristen Price stole the show a little – her character was just so damn spicy, and hot in her techie costume (esp the one they show her in on the cover).  I also enjoyed the details that were added for the story – like the “director” instructing Randy Spears’ character to ejaculate in the sex android’s removable oral cavity, and the discussion about Alektra’s character’s self cleaning vagina.  haha

What we didn’t like: It’s the same complaint I have about most mainstream porn – the sex is too repetitive and I get bored.  Especially with all the oral; I don’t know what it is, but watching blowjob after blowjob bores me to death.  My male friend even agrees with me here – there is too much time spent on bjs and he not only finds it boring, but doesn’t particularly enjoy looking at another man’s cock for so long.  But hey, that’s just us.  Oh, I also find Randy Spears a little creepy – though he DID play his role well.

Also, I couldn’t decide if this was bad or not – but 2040 is a REALLY long movie and the plot kinda drags by the end.  I’m wondering if maybe you’re not meant to watch it all in one sitting.

Final Verdict:  This porn was pretty to look at and the plot was carried out fairly well, but we still found it a little boring.   However, as I said above – we are quite picky.

2040 gets a 6 out of 10

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This post, Product Review – 2040, originally appeared on the s spot on February 28, 2010. If you are viewing it anywhere other than in a feed reader, it was scraped illegally and without my permission. Please email the(dot)s(dot)spot(at)gmail(dot)com and let me know.
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“Hey Shay, i’m still a virgin, but recently my boyfriend and I are trying to have sex.
The first time he tried to penetrate was painful but i was sort of expecting that. But now it’s been a few weeks, and we have tried several times but the pain is too much for me to bear. And in my head i’m thinking that he is too big, so in my own time i’m trying to get ‘accustomed’ to a larger size. However, while trying it out on myself with something that really isnt much thicker or bigger than he is, i’ve realised that the pain isn’t actually my hymen as the pain is from the top of the vagina opening not the bottom. Should i be worried? Or is it all in my head? Because to be honest, i do doubt that its my hymen thats causing the problem. If you can help that would be great! And i’m sorry if this type of question has been posted before… i’m new to your blog and very impressed by it (not to mention learning alot too). Thanks Shay :)“

I think your instincts are correct, it probably isn’t your hymen that’s bothering you.  There is a bone in your pubic area and some cartilage at the top of your vagina, so that could be what you’re hitting.  I’ve had similar trouble if I don’t take the time to get properly warmed up before I test out some of the thicker toys I’ve reviewed.  Usually if you take the time to get really relaxed and turned on, things become more flexible and you should have less trouble/pain.

Check out some of my posts for first timers HERE because there might be some other useful advice for you there as well. ^_^

I hope that helps.  If you do keep finding sex painful after a few more attempts, you could try asking your doctor/gynecologist to see if they have any other ideas for you.

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This post, Painful Penetration, originally appeared on the s spot on February 22, 2010. If you are viewing it anywhere other than in a feed reader, it was scraped illegally and without my permission. Please email the(dot)s(dot)spot(at)gmail(dot)com and let me know.
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As you can see from the photo, when we pulled Lindsay out of the box we found that the actual doll doesn’t look quite like the picture on the box – but that’s pretty much to be expected from this kind of product.

Since I don’t have a hand pump, we had to blow her up by mouth – her valve has a auto stopper which is good because it means that you won’t lose the air you’ve just blown in, but bad because you have to squeeze the valve to get air in and the air flows in more slowly – which is a pain.  But in the end, she didn’t take too long to blow up (not nearly as bad as the bondage chair).

Once we had her blown up, we were a little more impressed with her.  She’s around 5 feet tall (I was just a few inches taller) and has three orifices that we proceeded to inspect.  All three orifices are pretty much untextured plastic sleeves bonded to the openings at the mouth, vag, and ass, and fixed inside.  I expected the sleeves to be kinda loose and lame, but once she was full of air, the air pressure made the “love tubes” pretty tight and actually more vagina-like than a lot of masturbation sleeves.

So, with the doll blown up and inspected, all that was left was for my strapping assistant to take her for a “test drive”.

What We Liked: He was very impressed with the feel of the sleeve; he’s tested some masturbation sleeves for me before and he said that he was surprised by how much better the doll was in a lot of ways.   We were also pleasantly surprised by how easy it was to clean her out when we were done; just deflate her a bit and run the orifice you used under the tap (we used a water-based lube and he didn’t finish inside her – all for easier clean up).

What We Didn’t Like: The seam around the edge of the opening wasn’t sharp, but it wasn’t smooth either – so he reported that it wasn’t quite irritating, but definitely detracted from the experience.  Also, the one way that the doll couldn’t beat a masturbation sleeve was because you couldn’t tighten the doll like you can tighten your grip on a sleeve (at least, not without stopping to inflate her a little more).  I guess the main disadvantage of any blow up sex doll is that you either have to have room to store it inflated or re-inflate it any time you want to use it and deflate it when you’re done, which could be tedious.

This Toy Would be Great for:  anyone looking for something a little different in the way of masturbation sleeves, especially if you have room to stash the doll in a closet or under your bed.  This could also be a funny way to play around with the idea of having a threesome if you’re in a couple.   Or you could bring it to an orgy – she’s a little small, so you might get a little closer to your guy friends than you normally like – but you can totally DP or even TP (Triple Penetrate) her and she won’t mind one little bit.

Fully Loaded Lindsay speeds her way to a 7 out of 10 for feel, but loses a point of lack of convenience for use – leaving her with a 6 out of 10 overall:

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This post, Toy Review – Lindsay the Sex Doll, originally appeared on the s spot on February 21, 2010. If you are viewing it anywhere other than in a feed reader, it was scraped illegally and without my permission. Please email the(dot)s(dot)spot(at)gmail(dot)com and let me know.
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I bought a small vibrator and I did everything right, down to mood lighting, lube, taking my time, porn, fantasies, the whole shebang. Nothing. I can’t come with a vibrator, and penetration, even very slow, gradual, gentle penetration, hurts too much to continue. I’m pretty sure my hymen isn’t intact, since I can’t see it at all, but I just cannot get anything bigger than a finger in there, no matter what I try. I can’t come with manual stimulation of my clit, either. Just the leg-crossing thing, and penetration is awful. I keep worrying that when I do get around to having sex, it will hurt too much and I’ll end up being embarrassed and frustrated. I want to have fun, get laid, enjoy sex like most of the other people my age, but I just don’t want to end up disappointed. I know the first time isn’t going to be magical or awesome, but at this point I just want to get the first time over with so I can stop feeling like such a freak and start having fun, but I’m scared.

What should I do? Is it possible that there is something wrong with the way my vagina is shaped, so that it won’t allow penetration? I feel like everything is right, but it is just way too painful.  Every website or book gives me the same advice: slow down, take your time, use lube, relax, blah blah blah, but none of that helps and there doesn’t seem to be any other advice out there.  I just don’t want to deal with the scary doctor’s office until I officially have to. I’m sorry to send you such a long email, but this whole thing has become really stressful recently and I’d really appreciate any suggestions you might have. Thanks so much!”

My first piece of advice is to stop stressing out.

I’m not going to deny that sex is fun – but you shouldn’t feel like a freak just because you haven’t had a chance to try it yet! A lot to do with sex happens in your head, and being stressed out or worried about your first time can contribute a lot to the kind of problems you’re experiencing (but now don’t worry about being worried! ^_~). From what you’ve told me, it sound like you might be experiencing something similar to vaginismus (tight clamping of the vaginal muscles); usually this disappears over time, as you become more comfortable and experienced.

Here is what I suggest: set a date night with yourself every week – at least once a week (you can adjust it to your schedule as needed). On these date nights you’ll have something nice for dinner, take a hot shower, find some porn/erotica that you like, and spend some time exploring your body.

If crossing your legs works for getting you off, do that – but stop every so often to try touching yourself another way: try inserting a finger or two, try using the vibe on your clit – mix things up a little – but don’t let yourself get frustrated if something doesn’t feel good, just stop and go back to what does work for you.

Be very gentle and patient with your body and it should come around eventually.

On another note – the doctor’s office isn’t scary!! You should definitely make an appointment to have your annual physical done (it’s very important), although you’re not sexually active yet, it’s still a good idea to get everything checked out. Pick a nice female doctor and let her know about your concerns; one of the exams does involve opening your vagina and taking swabs, so you should let her know that you’re afraid this will hurt. (I’ve never found it too painful, if that makes you feel more confident.)

Don’t worry, everything will be fine. ^_^

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This post, Sometimes You Need Date Night With Yourself, originally appeared on the s spot on February 9, 2010. If you are viewing it anywhere other than in a feed reader, it was scraped illegally and without my permission. Please email the(dot)s(dot)spot(at)gmail(dot)com and let me know.
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