“Hi I’ve been reading your blog for a while now. I know you can give me some advice for a problem of mine. My boyfriend and i are very close and we love each other madly, we’ve been having sex for over a year now, the problem is, i haven’t been able to get an orgasm with him in all of this time. I’ve tried to tell him what i like, we’ve read books, we tried oral (he did’t like it)… but nothing works, i just can’t feel anything. At first i didn’t gave it much importance, but now, this whole thing has made me feel like there’s something wrong with me, and i can’t enjoy sex anymore, and this is affecting him. Please help us, we are open to experience, toys, anything, we just want to fully enjoy our sex life together.“
Have you been able to have an orgasm when you’re alone? (If not, you need to work on that first – sometimes it’s easier to let go and hit the Big O when you’re alone and not feeling any pressure from outside parties.)
Let’s assume that you can come when you’re masturbating alone and go from there.
A lot of women have trouble reaching orgasm when they have sex (the last time I checked the percentage was around 75%), and this can be the result of any number (or combination) or factors: some women have trouble relaxing enough, some women can’t get the right kind of stimulation from vaginal (or anal) sex, and some women just can’t let go and focus on their own pleasure when they’re with someone else. So let’s work on this a little and see if we can help you a bit.
Step 1: Relax. Stop stressing so much about your sex life. Yes, orgasms feel really good and people often use them to decide when a sex act is complete, but the orgasm doesn’t have to be the main point or end goal of sex all the time. Sex can still feel darn good and be a lot of fun, even if you didn’t get to come this time. Stressing out about whether you will be able to orgasm or not is certainly not likely to help you get there.
Step 2: Turn up the sexy before sex. It sounds like your partner, unfortunately, isn’t too into foreplay: well too bad for him. You should try spending some time being physical together, but not having sex with your partner – try having a bath or a shower together or giving each other full body massages. This will give you a chance to be close and touchy-feely, without the pressure of orgasm focused sex.
Step 3: Turn up the sexy even more! The more turned on you are before you start having sex, the better it will feel, and the more likely you are to be able to have an orgasm – even if you don’t manage to O, it will still feel really good when you’re extra turned on before you start. So you need to do what you need to do to get horny: read a sexy story, watch a good porn, “forget” to wear panties on a date, talk dirty in public, spanking – whatever works for you.
Step 4: Don’t be shy to bring in outside help. By outside help, I mean bringing a buzzy little friend with you into the bedroom. Try having one of you massage a little mini vibe over your clit while you have sex or using a vibrating cockring or some other toy that you can use hands free. This will amp up the stimulation that you’re getting (since clits often get neglected during penetrative sex) and could help you come.
Step 5: Relax (again) and don’t get discouraged. If you didn’t get to orgasm this time, don’t worry about it, there’s always next time – focus on the good points and don’t beat yourself up for something that you can’t really control.
I hope that helps! ^_^
I realize this post is the the women, but I’ll try and chime in since I’m in a relationship with one.
S1= Thankfully neither of us have an issue here, though if her stress level is really high I can see how it would interfere.
S2= I’d honestly love a little more foreplay. If the mood calls for instant sex, do that, but not all the time!
S3= This is something we’ve been working on recently. I’m slowly finding techniques to get her in the mood, and keep here there.
S4= We’ve bought a good rabbit and a Gigi. Helps immensely with step 3. I’ve also been considering a vibrating cock-ring, not for sustaining issues, just for her pleasure.
S5= I think sharing and discussing right after is a great way to improve a relationship.
Great post!
Great advice! I hope this helps her.
But I worry about this guy. He doesn’t like oral sex? I think if she dates someone else that likes oral sex she may fall in love again!
I agree with Zack (above) and with one of Shay’s “colleagues”, Dan Savage, who says oral sex is not negotiable in a relationship- it’s a must-have. Oral sex is not kinky anymore; it’s vanilla and if you’re not getting in your relationship that is more than enough reason to find a new partner.
The only thing i would add to Shay’s great advice is also predicated on the writer being able to orgasm by masturbating herself: try masturbating to orgasm in the presence of your partner, while he worships your body from head to toe. Being able to cum with him near you may help you cum when he’s doing the stimulating.
If you can’t cum under those circumstances, then i think the issue might be around feeling comfortable in his presence. And given that he won’t go down on you even though you have asked him to, I wonder what other dynamics might be at play in the relationship? You say you’ve “Tried to tell him what [you] like,” which, unless i’m totally off the mark, sort of implies he hasn’t really listened that much?
It might be a hard question, but you’ve got to ask yourself if your pleasure seems all that important to him. If you think it might not be, it’s time to find a new partner!!
OK- sorry, i just have to add a caveat:
I guess the unspoken theme of my comment above is that you might consider that the problem isn’t you.
This is not meant to be a word against Shay’s advice, but simply to point out that the steps she recommends are about YOUR behavior, when the problem might not lie with you at all.
OK- I’ll shut up now :)
Seriously guys, nobody asked for a blame game. You don’t know shit about the guy but you can already tell she should look for another partner? Do you even know the difference between fuck buddy and partner? Heck, I wouldn’t even comment on her situation because it’s fairly pointless until she answered more questions and gave more details. I’d also like to hear the boyfriend’s point of view.
Of course, I can also pull some advice out of my ass: She might actually be a lesbian!
You need only read what she wrote, WTF. She’s talking about her boyfriend whom she “loves madly,” not a fuck buddy.
You’re right- all we have is a little peek into the situation, but that peek tells us that the BF chooses not to accomodate a very reasonable request.
I’m just pointing out the possibility that he’s not the guy for her, at least sexually. Take it or leave it.
Cheers!
In my experience, some women have very sensitive clits and some women have very not-so sensitive clits. With some women, you could take a jack-hammer to her clit and she’d still ask for more. It’s all normal.
I’ve had two lovers in my lifetime who had never had an orgasm previously, and with both the problem was solved with lots of patience and a little mechanical help (vibrator). Especially the vibrator.
Many women can’t come from intercourse alone. It’s perfectly normal to need a little helping hand while fucking.
P.S. Try trimming a little “down there” and making sure you’re freshly washed to entice him for oral sex.
PD – you are silly, thanks for your input
Zack (and chris) – unfortunately you can’t always make someone like stuff, just like you can’t help it if the person you’ve fallen in love with doesn’t like oral. Clearly it’s not a deal breaker for her, so maybe he’s making up for it in other ways – we don’t know.
Chris – Actually, I disagree. Masturbating to orgasm while someone watches is an entirely different experience and I don’t think I would necessarily consider it a step towards orgasming during sex. Masturbation is a more private way to get off and doing it in front of someone else can give people “stage fright” that might not be present when they’re having sex. On the other hand, some people really get off on being watched – so it really depends on the type of person she is.
WTF – I do the best I can with the information I’m given and hope that it helps someone some way. :)
Chris – like you said, we only have a little peek into the situation, we don’t know what really went down with the oral thing or with anything actually.
Sem – Yep. Though not always true with the freshly washed thing, sometimes that can make it worse and regular soap is not so good for the stuff down there.
Hi ^^
I just wanted to thank you for the advice, we’re now doing just fine!
I can’t say oral sex in a relationship is a “must have”. Honestly, I do enjoy giving oral to my boyfriend but hate it when he returns the favor. It has nothing to do with his skills, for those of you who are about to criticize him. He’s great at it, I just hate the feeling. For a while he kept trying for it because of people who had suggested it was a must have..and it only made me hate it more & at times I became quite unhappy because of the rift it was causing which would kill the great sex we normally have. After a while, we both came to accept that it will work out when it wants too and we can’t keep thinking things are “must have” for sex. Each person has their own likes and dislikes and forcing a partner to do different acts is only going to drive a very large wedge between the lovers.