“So, I’ve been in a steady relationship with a girl for quite some time now, and I have never actually cared for anyone as much as I do her, however I know that she has a serious problem with the fact that I look at pornography while I’m in a relationship with her, it has even gotten to the point that we nearly broke up over it. Now, I have been trying to quit looking at porn for a while now because I really care about her and I can’t honestly see why I still look at it since we do have sex quite often. All I can say is that it’s starting to become a really big problem and I’m worried that I may be throwing away the best relationship I’ve had over something ridiculous. She’s tried to take a few pictures of herself for me, and I love her even more for it, but it just doesn’t feel the same to me. So I was just wondering if there is any advice you have on something I could try to do to resolve this situation? I’ve tried to explain to her why I look at porn, but she is very set against any time of pornography, and when I ask her why…well she usually just says because it is “icky” and that it makes her feel like she isn’t good enough for me. Anyways, I hope that you can get back to me. Anonymous“
Sounds like a bit of a sticky spot (and I’m not just talking about your desk chair ^_~).
Some people do have a problem with their partner looking at pornography because they see it as a threat. Rather than seeing it as recreational masturbation, to your partner it might seem as if you are seeking sexual stimulation somewhere other than the relationship – which can make them feel replaced: unneeded, unappreciated, and thus (as I said above) threatened. It may also make them feel like they somehow aren’t fulfilling your sexual needs, something most partners often strive for.
In addition, some people are threatened by what they see you watching: sex acts that they might not feel comfortable preforming, hot bodies that they perceive as being “better” than their own, and general salacious behaviour that they think you want them to replicate.
[By the way, one small thing that struck me from your e-mail is, if you giving up porn is that important to her, why haven't you been able to? It's not that I think you should, it just seems odd that you can't - porn is great but it's not healthy to be addicted to it.]
My only suggestion is something that has worked for some of my friends who felt uncomfortable with their partner looking at porn: let her pick the porn and you two can watch it together (at least at first). Show her that porn isn’t as icky as she thinks it is; try starting with some woman/couple friendly titles and go from there. I’m sure in no time, she’ll have her favourite actors and actresses picked out; this could add a whole new dimension to your relationship!
And on the plus side, if you’re letting her pick the porn you watch during your solo time (at least at first) she’s likely to feel less negative about it, because she now has a hand in all forms of your sexy time, whether she’s present or not.
I do not agree. If she is so dead set against it i dont think it will ever be okay with her, and probably be worse if she was in the room with him. Sorry to dissappoint you, but It wont work.
Personally, I think that if you’re persuing a long-term relationship with someone they should accept you as you are – or not at all. This is how bad marriages start. Each person has an idea of how they want the other person to be – to “change” for them. And it never happens. And they get frustrated and in a year – you’re divorced. I think if you enjoy watching porn, she should either accept that – or you should both move on. Changing you own personality, hobbies and desires for someone else’s whim is never healthy.
–Happily Married
Healthy relationships are built on compromise and communication. It sounds a little like you both might be faltering on the compromise part.
I think Shay’s advice to incorporate porn into your sex life is spot on – but you have to get the right porn. If video porn is too much (which it seems like it would be to someone that is starting from a standpoint of “icky”), try written stuff… I think it’s less intimidating than hardcore images, and a lot of people respond more to it. Start at the safest place possible, and build from there.
Don’t start with the written porn available online, it’s going to be as icky as the online video porn. There are really good collections of “erotica” out there (that’s the word you use when you want Amazon to carry your porn). Start there.
For the love of all that is holey, stay away from gonzo-porn. I know exactly 0 women who watch it.
And talk a lot. A lot a lot. Talk about her fantasies. Talk about what she thinks about when she’s masturbating. It’ll give you some pointers about what kind of porn you’re looking for, and as she thinks about it she’ll (hopefully) be more receptive to finding stuff that fits the fantasies.
At the end of the day, though, your sex life needs to be fulfilling for both of you or it’s going to be a long haul. This requires compromise on both parts. Keep that in mind as you’re trying to negotiate these things.
you to should make a video and watch it together. have you considered yourself veing a voyeurist.
Voyeurism is a practice in which an individual derives sexual pleasure from observing other people.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Voyeurism
read about it you migth be one.
she migth understand that is just something like foot fetish. XD
Some women deal well with porn and some don’t. It depends how visual they are. There is no porn that turns my wife on. We’ve tried but it turns out to be a distraction for me and she just doesn’t get turned on by it. Some of it she finds funny.
I have looked at some kind of porn often since I was a teen. Not addicted to it, but just part of my wife. I often look at porn that is a fantasy scenario. Just like ordering something in a restaurant that you would never get at home.
My wife knows that I probably look at some porn sometime, but she has told me that if I am looking at porn to hide it from her because she would feel threatened by it.
I think you just need to accept that your gf is just a non-porn girl. Just try to cut down and don’t expose her to it. It doesn’t have yo be a big deal.
Ah, all good advice indeed. Problems arise though in the fact that I am now getting regularly searched and if she ever found porn around me she would without a doubt break up with me.
I wish it was as easy as watching it with her, or having her pick the titles out, but as she is someone who has honestly never touched herself or had the desire to look at porn herself I have a feeling that a compromise is out of the question.
I’m not sure how big of a deal porn really is, but it definitely is strange being “forbidden” to look at it. I mean not being allowed to masturbate or look at porn has been quite strange since I’ve been looking for so long, but I guess that is just what happens when you get into serious relationships.
Giving it up has been harder then I first thought, but she’s worth it and well I can see how she feels threatened by it I guess. Well thanks for the advice, hopefully it will all work out in the end.
Honestly I just hope she doesn’t get upset with me for finding out that I asked for advice about this…
I am sorry but, am I on a waiting list. or did I submit my question wrong. I was just wondering
As the girlfriend i have to say that your advice was a poor judgement. If the person in questions (one advice guru to another in psycology and relationships) i would not suggest something so rash. Luckily he didnt suggest it but said long ago he emailed you and that was your response or we would not be together today more then likely.
A better response in my experience is not to suggest doing something she obviously hates without even asking or knowing more about why she or i in this case hates porn so much. It very well could have put her or i over the edge and thank god he wasnt stupid enough to do that.
For your information as a follow up I will no put up with any sort of porn in any form nor will looking at it together be an option as i’d rather just cut off the porn without any expecially having to be subjected to the thing that i hate as obviously stated in his letter. And just a question, as someone claiming to be able to give advice you should ask concent before posting as that could get yourself into a lot of trouble.
OMG she must be really cute cos her actitude sucks!
OMG wait she does not let you masturbate too!!??? it would be of my best interest to know what you love of her soo much. i mean.
you love the fact of how her not turst you ant look at your stuff.
or how she decides about your body and how to handle it.
i really would like to know what you love about her cos im only seeing the bad side here.
Or tie her to a table and spank her bare ass until she cries and pleads for you to stop … and then …
Oh
Well, no.
That probably wouldn’t work either
Wow, that girlfriend post was pretty profound. On a topic like this, I ride the fence.
On one hand, I see why the girlfriend would have qualms with pornography. I was reared on the notion that pornography was smut and not something to look at because it taints the imagination and/or innocence. (And let’s not beat around the bush, people, it does). Pornography is like the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden; once looked at, you’re not able to (or in some cases, it’s REALLY hard to) be able to void the “sick” pleasures you learned from it.
On the other hand, I see the perspective of the boyfriend because I’m just as guilty of browsing 4chan and other porn-related websites now and again. The difference is that I would feel guilt if I were in a steady relationship because I feel that it is WRONG to look upon another with the same eyes that I look upon my beloved and SHOULD NOT BE ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR (if I were to be in a steady relationship).
Of the many women of the world, all have one thing in common–a desire to be desired, and as such, they must be the ONLY one in their beloved’s life (or in few cases, #1 on the top of the list). I strongly agree that porn CAN divert these desires just as much as it can stimulate them depending on the individual and/or couple.
“So what’s the final verdict?” Mr. cellophane nailed it: ‘Healthy relationships are built on compromise and communication. It sounds a little like you both might be faltering on the compromise part.’ If there is no room for a compromise, then how can a healthy relationship blossom? If you’re having this much trouble getting over this sole hurdle, then perhaps it’s time to throw in the towel and look for another person.
At the risk of sounding like an asshole, if he’s not willing to meet your demands and pack up the porn, then perhaps he does not love you like you want him to. Thus, he may not be the one you want to graft the rest of your life to.
(…)
Sorry to run on and take over the discussion, Shay…
I didn’t mean to type so much. ^_^;;
Oh, well, that’s upsetting – I’d just answered the majority of these comments and then didn’t notice that something was mucked up and my response wasn’t sent. Damn! And what I wrote was so good too.
Oh well, I’ll have to start over now.
Anon1 – You are entitled to your opinion, of course, just as I am entitled to disagree – people can change their minds. Also, see Mr/ Cello’s comment.
Anon2 – I do agree that in a relationship each person does need to make an effort to accept their partner the way that they are (and yes, changing your personality for someone else is dangerous) – but another important part of a healthy relationship is compromise. See Mr. Cello’s comment as well.
Mr. Cello – Excellent, I love how you just picked up where I left off and offered up even more great ideas!
Nar – though if he didn’t really enjoy the photos she took for him (which is also interesting), perhaps this might not work for them either – but great idea for the average couple.
Haa- I wonder if written porn might work better for your wife.
Ah, I did enjoy the photos she took for me. They were just different and more romantic to me, in truth they are how I’ve avoided looking at porn for quite some time now.
I would say that perhaps that is a compromise in itself for her simply allowing me to take some pictures of her.
Also, to Nar- The reason I care for her so much has nothing to do with her looks, though she is beautiful, but we have a good deal in common and I’m not about to let something as silly as pornography ruin what I feel is a good relationship.
Giving porn up is a very small price to pay for being with her. My original question was truly about any ideas on ways to help me resist urges which I’ve grown so used to giving into. Though I should know by now that it’s more of a inner struggle and not something I can get much help on.
Thanks for the advice though Shay, oh and Stevo, I never said I wasn’t willing to give it up for her. I was simply having a hard time doing it at first.
RF – Regularly searched?! Scary! But, as long as you’re happy, I suppose you’ll find that it’s worth it for you to be doing all the compromising. (But, just so you know, not all relationships require you to give up something your enjoy). Best of luck to you both.
Matt – Don’t worry hun, I’ll be getting to you soon.
Anon3 – I’m not sure that I quite understood everything you wrote, but if I got the gist right, then I think it’s a shame but ultimately it’s your personal preference to not enjoy porn and I won’t tell you that you HAVE to change. I certainly don’t think I was wrong to suggest what I did; it’s a solution that has worked for others in the past and that I beleive will continue to work for other readers who may stop by here in the future. Unfortunately it wasn’t the right solution for you, but how was I to know? I do my best with what I DO know about people in general and I beleive that what I suggested is a good suggestion for the average couple.
(Also, I beleive it’s understood that any reader question may be published on my site, unless it’s been specifically requested that I not. I have been running this site for a very long time and have published many reader questions that serve as examples. But, just case, I do have a warning in my right-hand sidebar)
Nar – lol
Gad – hmm you might be right ^_~
Stevo – It actually hurts my heart a little to read what you said – such negative attitudes about pornography! Porn doesn’t have to be “sick” and “tainted” (though it does depend on what you’re into looking at – some couples really enjoy “sick and tainted”).
Your second paragraph actually scares me a little – you’re not supposed to fall in love with your porn, which would have to be the case if you were going to be looking on it “with the same eyes that [you] look upon [your]beloved “
It’s a shame that you think porn can replace a real living breathing woman in front of the average man, because I know MANY men who would love to dispute this with you at length.
And finally, I’m not sure why, but your comment finished up with a really unexpected conclusion.
rf – glad to hear that things seem to be going well.
Porn is replacing stuff. It doesnt have to completely replace, but the fact that it is there and being looked at…well. Porn is to be looked at a certain way, you or freaks like that look at it for a reason, that same reason is for a large part why you are intimately with another person. If you are in a relationship that involves sex you are in part giving some of yourself to the porn. Even if it is just a small part. And i dont think it is unreasonable for me not to compromise on this aspect, for everyone, even DES has things they dont compromise on in a relationship, whether it is that the person has to be tall, has to love rock or rap, or has to not look at pornography while in a sexually active relationshp.
And no…I’m sorry to say my dearest boyfriend got it wrong. I have no problem with porn. I actually find it an economically good part of our world. However i do have a problem with my boyfriend looking at it while in a relationship with me.
hehe
@girlfriend: i know my personality sucks. but thats how i am i speak with truth and i dont censor my thougts. and did you read what i said last. i asked your boyfriend what she likes about so much. cos i cant see one side its not fair. i mean maybe he is a pornoholic or something. you cant know a person with just some post.
i mean its ok to seach sometimes on your parnter stuff. but for porn? is not like he is gona leave you for porn as he has already stated.
and i dont like te fact that you hate porn. i mean what porn did to you? i understand that he sould not be watching porn when he have sex with you every time. but if it is once in a while its ok.
@theguy: are you sure you are not voyeur. maybe you are. i know i have a fetish with underwear. soo hmp. take some time examinating yourself. a question? did she realy forbids you to masturbate or i read wrong?
and if you love her so much, then leave porn is not like porn is such a great thing. compared to her. besides, didnt porn started to become less and less atractive when you met her. it happened to me.
before i met my girlfriend porn was great, not that i met her, porn started to look dull and stupid i still see it but not as much as i did before.
and i repeat are you voyeur, i dont see problem with being one.
have a nice day and long lasting relationship. and enjoy each other bodies ;)
Hm. I think this discussion highlights one of the challenges of doing an advice column: The columnist/blogger never has the whole story.
Shay’s answers aren’t necessarily going to apply to all people in all circumstances. Instead the most one can hope for is that the answers will be generally applicable to (hopefully) most people in most similar circumstances. The impression that the columnist is answering the writer directly is to some extent illusory – more of a rhetorical device than reality.
And that goes for all the advice provided by commenters as well.
So RF-DES/gf: it sounds like you’ve found a solution that works for you. Consider the advice provided here to be more for others than for you.
Commenters: we should probably avoid being too judgmental in our responses (myself included).
Sex/relationships is perhaps one of the touchier topics, but this problem is real for any advice column on any topic. Ann Landers probably got the same sort of annoyed feedback sometimes.
I have to say, if anyone ever told me they didn’t want me to masturbate anymore, I’d dump them so fast that there would be a little me-shaped dust cloud in the room where I’d just been.
Well good think no one would care about you enough to ask.