Reader Question – Swinging

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“Hi Shay,

Out of curiosity do you have any advice regarding swinging…We’ve met with a couple of nice couples over the net via Adult Friend Finder, chatted and cammed via MSN and are planning to get physical. What advice (if any) would you have for people who have never tried this before, in order to have a fun evening?

Lord & Ms C”

My advice here is going to be similar to the advice I gave for threesomes: communication is paramount.

Once you’ve decided that you both want to meet and where, the next step is to go over any rules or restrictions either of you might want/need (this won’t be as awkward as it sounds).

You need to talk about what is or is not allowed: are you going to allow the other husband to play with your wife? Is kissing allowed? Does anyone want to watch and not participate? Allergies? Will oral be allowed? Drugs/Alcohol? How much contact do the men want with each other? Who does not want to be penetrated? Is Anal okay?

This will save you from having to ask in the heat of the moment and should prevent things from getting out of control with acts that someone is uncomfortable with – some people are shy to speak up during sex.

On this vein, it’s important to be aware that although you have laid down ground rules, things can change once the play gets started. Someone might forget the rules, or might try something unexpected, or someone who had laid down a restriction might change their mind.

As with any gathering, you’ll all want to make each other as comfortable as possible, so by all means, if the guest wife changes her mind and decides that she would like to play with the host wife, don’t make a fuss about her changing her mind.

However – if someone tries something that you or someone else is uncomfortable with, don’t be shy to speak up! Only do what is fun for you, because that is the whole point of swinging. But, you needn’t cause a commotion (unless all else fails), a simple “no thank you” should suffice.

(One of the swingers’ guides I checked out also recommended saying “no thanks” without offering an explanation, because sometimes the explanation can hurt feelings and may ruin the flow of your evening.)

Try not to complain or try to coerce someone into doing something they aren’t prepared to do, that will just make things awkward and will reduce the chances that they will want to play (or play again).

Another important tip, use protection. Not that anyone is being accused of being “unclean”, using condoms (and dental dams) is the right and responsible thing to do. Like I always say, better safe than itchy (or dead).

Besides laying down some rules with the other couple in advance, it might also be a good idea to establish some signals either for yourself and your partner, or for everyone to use, to let someone else know when things have gone too far out of your comfort zone, if you need a break, or if you are feeling left out.

You should also (attempt) to plan out sleeping arrangements, decide if the other couple (or you) is going to sleep over or not, and where. Falling asleep in a post-coital heap might work for some people, but others might want to know that there is a nice bed with fresh sheets and clean towels waiting for them.

If you’re hosting you should make sure that you’ve got someplace for your guests to clean up after the fun; you might want to strategically place some washcloths and towels for your guests to use. Also, snacks are important for keeping everyone’s energy up and drinks are needed to keep hydrated.

If you are a guest it’s always nice to bring something – perhaps a decadent flavoured lube, and/or some strawberries and wine, or even a favourite toy (or five). You should also bring anything that you think you might need: toothbrushes, condoms, hair brushes, a change of panties, travel shampoo, etc.

And don’t forget to have a good time! Act out your fantasies, explore your own sexuality and enjoy yourself and your new partners with enthusiasm, laughter and a positive attitude.

sex, swinging, swingers, etiquette