“Dear Shay,
For my longtime boyfriend’s 30th birthday I had a threesome with him and a women he works with. The during was mostly him and I and her and I, but since that night he has come home later and later each night and he spends more time on the phone and less time talking to me.
I can’t help but feel at fault for what might be going on. I wanted to be included in his fantasy but now it seems that I am no longer a part of it.
Am I being paranoid or did I give him roundabout permission to be unfaithful with this women?
Anonymous”
[I need to start making up clever names for people who write in ^_~]
Anon hunny, this is not your fault. I just wanted to say that first off, just in case you thought it was.
Arranging a threesome for your boyfriend’s birthday was a very brave and sweet thing to do (assuming he’d been aching for a three-way). There aren’t a lot of women who would have done the same in your position.
Perhaps it wasn’t a very good idea to invite a woman from his workplace, in most cases dual relationships (for example, co-worker who is now also a sex partner) can result in problems for the parties involved. When choosing a third, it’s best to go for someone new and neutral.
However, in answer to the second part of your question, you organizing a threesome is not an open invitation for him to sleep with other women.
When planning a threesome, it is extremely important to talk to your partner (and the guest) to lay down some rules and to make sure that things don’t go further than anyone is comfortable with (before or after the event).
For example, you need to decide in advance how far your partner is allowed to go with the newcomer – is penetration allowed? is oral sex allowed? Kissing?
These are all things that need to be decided on in advance – but it’s also important to understand that things might change during the sex.
Maybe you said you would feel comfortable with your partner kissing the other person, but once you get going, you change your mind – that’s perfectly alright. But, it’s better to speak up right away than going along with it at the time and feeling upset about it later.
However, you also don’t want to shut out your guest, the idea is for everyone to have some fun and be sexually satisfied.
For this reason, you might also want to establish a signal for someone to use if they feel like they are being left out (maybe jumping up and down waving your arms – “you forgot me! you forgot me!”), if they are uncomfortable, or if they feel like they need to stop.
So clearly threesomes involve an awfully delicate balance of the complex feelings of everyone involved.
With all that in mind, it’s no wonder that you are having some worries about your boyfriend’s fidelity now.
However, there’s nothing you or I can do from this vantage point, except speculate.
For example, has he been unfaithful to you in the past? Statistically, someone who has cheated on a lover once is more likely to cheat on that same lover again.
In answer to the first part of your question – I don’t know if you are being paranoid or not. Maybe he’s got a perfectly legit reason for coming home late from work then again, maybe he doesn’t…
The only thing you can really do is talk to him about it. Talk about the threesome, mention how much you enjoyed it (assuming you did), ask him how he liked it, ask if he’s heard anything from his co-worker about it.
If you’re worried that he might be cheating on you, ask him.
Tell him how you’re worried about him coming home later and how you hope it doesn’t have anything to do with the threesome.
Tell him that if he’s thinking about getting involved with other women, that you at least want to know about it, if not be included in it or that this is not okay with you at all.
A threesome won’t tear down a healthy relationship, but it can destroy a weak one faster than time alone… Which is why you have to be careful when, how, and to whom you suggest them.
Good luck anonymous, I hope you sit down and talk to you boyfriend soon.
Good advice, Shay (as usual).
You know, as appealing as threesomes seem in theory, I’ve rarely run into an established couple who’s had one who hasn’t run into complications as a result. At least one person in the equation always seems to end up hurt, or a friendship lost, etc.
It’s gotten me to the point where I feel a threesome is best left to fantasy rather than reality.
However, I wonder if it would be quite so problematic if all three parties were not technically involved with each other in any significant way. There would be far less reason to be jealous or feel regretful afterwards (assuming the session was good). So maybe if it’s not fantasy, it’s best left to the realm of one-night-stand-while-you’re-not-seriously-attached.
Hmm.
It would take a couple very committed to their relationship to even try a three way. And it would take a very tight relationship indeed for both partners to come out unscathed in some way.
Great thinking Shay !!! Yes, you are so right, the 3some will not tear down the relationship if it healthy, surely not since she organized it. Openness is everything here … Love your answer !
Shay – between you and Des your point of view is always so well balanced and well delivered.Great response
A threesome won’t tear down a healthy relationship, but it can destroy a weak one faster than time alone… Which is why you have to be careful when, how, and to whom you suggest them.
That’s about the truest statement for three’s — whether it’s a one-night deal or an ongoing set of relationships — that I’ve ever heard.
And your advice is spot-on, but given the wisdom of the above statement I can’t say as I’m surprised :)
“A threesome won’t tear down a healthy relationship, but it can destroy a weak one faster than time alone…”
I heartily agree. Our relationship has bloomed, changed and is still thriving, and I am certain it is because of our basic, strong foundation that allows us to enter unusual circumstances and weather occasional difficulties better than most.
From my own blog:
“Entertaining a sexual fantasy is one thing,
entertaining a sexual houseguest is another.”
I’m glad you have posted something like this. As I’ve mentioned to you in email, my friend’s wife is always teasing me and suggesting a three-way, which I’m all for because she’s sexy as hell.
I’ll definitely keep your advice in mind if the opportunity pops up. Thank you! ^_^