A Big Question
“Hey, Shay. I’m back for more advice.
You might be pleased to hear that I began my first (ever) relationship with a great guy. He’s 21. I’m a 19 year old girl and very new to every aspect of being in a relationship, especially when it comes to sex.
I am a virgin and so far I’ve enjoyed beginning to (slowly) explore my sexual side.
He is, I’ll be honest, very experienced and he’s been completely honest about his colourful past that involves a number of partners, both male and female. We’ve talked at length about how different our sexual histories are, and he has assured me that we can go as slowly as I like and that I should absolutely only do things I’m comfortable with.
He knows I want to take things slowly and although we’ve talked about (and got quite excited about) going all the way, oral etc – we’re not actually doing it yet because I’m not ready.
Anyway, background given, there are a couple of things I’d like your input about.
1. I want to be as safe as possible when it comes to sex and so I want to suggest we both get full sexual health screens done. I know nothing about getting screened – how do you go about it, where could I go and what would it entail? I haven’t brought this up with him yet but I intend to within the next few days (while you’re here, do you have any suggestions for me regarding that talk? haha)
2. Although we’re not ‘having sex’, we are technically ’sexually active’; we’ve enjoyed being intimate. He has fingered (man, I hate that word!) me a couple of times and whereas I wouldn’t say I’d given him a hand-job, I’d say I more…joined in a little and he did all the work (I do hope to change that at some point…). What I’m saying is, there has been some intimate touching but I have been careful not to allow him to touch himself, then touch me and vice-versa. I suppose I just wanted to check that this is okay, considering we’ve not yet been screened, and check out exactly what possible risk this kind of activity could involve. I’m very anxious about STDs, regardless of how much I trust him.
3. Understandably, I hope – I don’t want to get too physical before being screened. He insists that he doesn’t mind that we just ‘fool around’, and he’s put no pressure on me whatsoever to ‘put out’, but all the same, I’d like to give him something. I feel a little bad knowing that he’s having to go home to cold showers every evening. Could you make any exciting or fun suggestions?
4. Just a quick question about condoms – do they lessen the pleasure of a blow-job? And should you use particular condoms for this?
Sorry – I know this is a long one but I needed some input and thought of you right away.“
It’s great to hear from you again and with such good news! Congrats, you’re entering a super fun time, and you’re right to take your time and savour every moment. ^_^
I’m so happy to hear that you two have been so open about your sexual pasts and about taking things slowly – good communication is SO important. Somehow not everyone remembers that they do need to tell their partner what they are thinking and feeling.
Now let’s take a look at your questions:
1. Staying as safe as possible is definitely a good thing, and once you take steps towards being more sexually active it’s all about managing your risk factors. Getting tested is a great start and even though you’re still a virgin it’s a nice thing to do together AND since you’ll need to have your physical done every year from now on (including a pap smear) it’ll be good to try this out so that you can see for yourself that it’s not anything to get anxious over. :) The whole procedure isn’t that big of a deal and you can have it done as part of your annual physical (as I alluded to above). For most STI’s they’ll just take a swab but for others (like HIV) they’ll need a blood sample.
2. Sounds like you’re being very careful so far. With skin to skin contact there is still some risk of infection, but as long as you don’t have any cuts on your hands, it sounds like you should be okay. :) Once you’ve both been screened, you can be a little more relaxed about stimulating each other with your hands and mouths (just make sure none of his come or pre-come transfers, unless you’re on the pill).
3. Once again, I’m so happy to hear that there’s no pressure for you to put out, and also that you’re aware of how excited both of you can get when you fool around a little. I would say that you’re probably safe to do a little dry humping – it’s a weird term, but rubbing on each other, even through clothes, can be surprisingly fun and feel really sexy. I would also clear you for manual stimulation (i.e. handjobs and “fingering”), mutual masturbation, and oral sex (with protection until the STI situation has been cleared). Of course you are protected from many STI’s when you use condoms to have sex, but I can tell already that you’re going to wait until after the STI tests before you go there.
4. haha Yes, a condom is going to lessen the pleasure of a blowjob, at least a little bit. Try getting an extra thin condom for blowjobs – don’t bother with any ribbed or non-oxinol 9 condoms, but flavoured condoms could add some extra fun.
I also want to mention that getting tested for STI’s is great and if he passes that does mean he’s clean and safe to have sex with. HOWEVER, and hopefully this won’t be a concern, but if he cheats on you with someone who does have an STI, he could potentially pass it on to you. It’s a weird thing to bring up, but it’s good to have an understanding that you’ll both protect yourselves no matter what.
I hope this answers your questions – Have fun!! ^_^