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Hi, I'm Shay.

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What If I Don’t Want to be the Sex DD?!

This past weekend, I got together with some friends for a movie night.  One friend insisted that we watch 100 Girls, because he hadn’t seen it in years but remembered it being very funny - so we watched it.

It was a fairly funny movie - as long as you don’t think too much about all the gaping plot holes and the pompous writing style for the dialogue/monologues.  Actually, what really struck me about the movie was how blatantly, almost insistently, the movie tried to prop up gender stereotypes (like, all of them - even the really lame ones).  In fact, the main character frequently went off on extended monologues where he discussed different gender stereotypes and reinforced them with his own (well, really the writer’s) clever insight, garnered from his experiences throughout the movie.

At one point, he reveals to a female friend that he’s discovered how much more responsible and organized women are than men and thus how brilliant it is that women are the designated gate keepers of sex; because men (and I’m paraphrasing here) are simple and base animals who can’t control their desires and thus need someone else to set up limits so that the don’t just run wild, constantly fucking anything that moves.

But you know, women aren’t the gate keepers of sex because we’re more responsible - we’re responsible because we’re trained from a young age to be sexual gate-keepers.  Why?  Because we’re the ones with the vaginas and we’re the ones who end up more invested in the results of sex (i.e. we end up having to sacrifice our bodies for grow an infant and since we were the last ones to “touch it” we’re also left responsible for raising it - you actually see this all over the animal kingdom, sometimes it’s even the male of the species who is left holding the bag, it’s all part of the “you touched it last” design of parenting responsibility lol).  But I feel that this hardly applies in our modern age of generally reliable birth control.

I just don’t think it’s right that women still always have to be the gate-keepers.  That’s like your friends always forcing you to be the DD because you’re the one with the car.  Of course you wanted to drink and party too, but you can’t - you’re supposed to be the responsible one.

Women are forced into being the responsible ones and we’re trained for this role from a young age: the media loves to highlight how stupid, hedonistic, and irresponsible men are - generalizations that are unfair to both genders!   Meanwhile, we (women) are taught that we aren’t supposed to want to have sex all the time, that’s a man’s thing.  How confusing then when some of us discover that we do in fact have a large sex drive, sometimes larger than our male companions’!  How wrong that we are made to feel as if we can’t let lose and have as much sex as we’d like to - no, of course we can’t - because we have to be the gate-keepers.

I mean, isn’t this where a lot of hetero relationships run into problems?  Because couples can too easy fall into a habit of allowing her to be the sole gate-keeper of the sex, then he grows to resent her when he thinks she’s being too strict with the keys.  Relationships are supposed to be a partnership.  It doesn’t feel good having to be the one to say “no” because it very late and you’ve both got work in the morning, maybe worse than it feels to be told “no”.

In conclusion, wouldn’t it be more fun (and more reasonable) if we could both share in the responsibility of knowing/deciding when it’s the right time to have sex?  If we take turns being the DD, then we both get to have more fun more often - right?!

Then again, maybe I just spent too much time thinking about a stupid movie.  What do you think?


Comment from Curvaceous Dee
Time January 19, 2009 at 2:50 am

It sounds like, in addition to all the other stereotypes you’ve just listed (a well-done rant, incidentally), it also fell into the stereotype of assuming a binary gender model. While on the surface m/f seems to be the all of it, it’s really very limiting to many people.

I liked the points you made - although having never seen the movie I am by default seeing it through your perceptions. Still, that’s not a bad thing!

xx Dee

Comment from Mihal Aviri
Time January 19, 2009 at 4:03 am

Hmm, that is really insightful. I guess I have been playing into that for a while now, damn I never thought I was that predictable.

Oh, and you know that Erotic Pork recipe you posted a while back. You were right I didn’t have that exact recipe but I had something similar. I have since forgotten, it has been a little over a month since I last looked on here.

Comment from Regin
Time January 19, 2009 at 2:46 pm

Relationships are supposed to be a partnership. It doesn’t feel good having to be the one to say “no”…
…Wouldn’t it be more fun (and more reasonable) if we could both share in the responsibility of knowing/deciding when it’s the right time to have sex?

Does this mean that the Male should be so sensitive to the Female’s wants and needs that he never puts her in a position of having to say “no” to sex? Isn’t that a little unrealistic? Does any couple know each other that well?

Comment from Ki Two
Time January 19, 2009 at 3:32 pm

Write more posts like this one. (I don’t have any specific comment on this post, but I liked it, and I think the style and passion should be repeated ^_^)

Comment from ds1
Time January 19, 2009 at 4:43 pm

Shay is being far too nice on the film. From scene one til the close, it’s nothing but crass pandering.

The only redeeming quality of the film is that it features a young Emmanuelle Chriqui and Larisa Oleynik. Unfortunately, their roles are minimal, so they can’t save the picture.

Comment from Shay
Time January 19, 2009 at 6:52 pm

Dee - I agree, though there were lesbians thrown into the movie at the end, it was more of an afterthought.

Mihal - Well thank you, lol

Regin - I’m not saying that you have to be psychic, but I’m saying that all of society needs to change AND that you should maybe be a little more sensitive to situational limits or encouragements for sex.

Ki - awww thanks fun!

ds1 - haha YES It was great seeing young Emmanuelle, she’s so sweet as the slutty girl who deserves to be loved too (Man that annoyed me)

Comment from Crysta
Time January 19, 2009 at 7:59 pm

I decided a long time ago to have sex when i want to. The only gate I’m keeping is the making sure i don’t AIDS or pregnant gate. My mother was a little obstinate when she taught me about sex. She never said do or don’t have sex. She did advise waiting until marriage. And i do see some of the merits of that now.

Comment from Gadfly
Time January 20, 2009 at 12:03 am

Yeah. I was reasonably responsible as a young lad. I didn’t want anyone to get pregnant. I would stop whenever anyone involved even hinted at not wanting to continue.

If every film I’ve seen is to be believed… I was a rarity. I really don’t like the idea of that.

Comment from Tracy
Time January 20, 2009 at 5:36 pm

Ever since the invention of the anti-pregnancy pill, a lot of the typical female behaviour regarding sex doesn’t make much sense anymore. They could behave exactly as guys. Though, it’s probably rather the men than the women who are behind the times. Men complain that women aren’t as easy they are themselves but if they are, these women are still labeled as whores. I’ve never heard of a man being labeled as a whore no matter how much of horn dog he was. However, far too much of this is engrained into society because for thousands of years, things were quite different. Give it a few centuries.

Comment from Dee
Time January 20, 2009 at 11:45 pm

“However, far too much of this is engrained into society because for thousands of years, things were quite different. Give it a few centuries.”

Well, the societal aspects are changing, but there’s a genetic component that never will. When it comes to passing on our genes, a man can have a virtually infinite number of children within a year, whereas a woman can only have one. It is therefore in women’s genetic best interest to be more selective with their partners than men. I’m glad that birth control has made recreational sex more realistic, and I agree that society needs to understand and respect the female sex drive. However, because of simple genetics, I think the majority of women will always feel that extra little “tug o’ responsibility,” and that’s not a bad thing.

Comment from Maikeru
Time January 22, 2009 at 4:46 am

I’d have to agree with the sentiment that sadly there is still something of a double-standard. I’d say that I’d agree with Shay in regards to both being “gatekeepers”. There is much potential for either or both of the members in the situation to get carried away and be in the moment without stopping for a second to think whether it’s for the best. I agree that it should be in the back of the mind of both people that it might not be the best time for the other person or even themselves.

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