“Hi I’ve been reading your blog for a while now. I know you can give me some advice for a problem of mine. My boyfriend and i are very close and we love each other madly, we’ve been having sex for over a year now, the problem is, i haven’t been able to get an orgasm with him in all of this time. I’ve tried to tell him what i like, we’ve read books, we tried oral (he did’t like it)… but nothing works, i just can’t feel anything. At first i didn’t gave it much importance, but now, this whole thing has made me feel like there’s something wrong with me, and i can’t enjoy sex anymore, and this is affecting him. Please help us, we are open to experience, toys, anything, we just want to fully enjoy our sex life together.“
Have you been able to have an orgasm when you’re alone? (If not, you need to work on that first – sometimes it’s easier to let go and hit the Big O when you’re alone and not feeling any pressure from outside parties.)
Let’s assume that you can come when you’re masturbating alone and go from there.
A lot of women have trouble reaching orgasm when they have sex (the last time I checked the percentage was around 75%), and this can be the result of any number (or combination) or factors: some women have trouble relaxing enough, some women can’t get the right kind of stimulation from vaginal (or anal) sex, and some women just can’t let go and focus on their own pleasure when they’re with someone else. So let’s work on this a little and see if we can help you a bit.
Step 1: Relax. Stop stressing so much about your sex life. Yes, orgasms feel really good and people often use them to decide when a sex act is complete, but the orgasm doesn’t have to be the main point or end goal of sex all the time. Sex can still feel darn good and be a lot of fun, even if you didn’t get to come this time. Stressing out about whether you will be able to orgasm or not is certainly not likely to help you get there.
Step 2: Turn up the sexy before sex. It sounds like your partner, unfortunately, isn’t too into foreplay: well too bad for him. You should try spending some time being physical together, but not having sex with your partner – try having a bath or a shower together or giving each other full body massages. This will give you a chance to be close and touchy-feely, without the pressure of orgasm focused sex.
Step 3: Turn up the sexy even more! The more turned on you are before you start having sex, the better it will feel, and the more likely you are to be able to have an orgasm – even if you don’t manage to O, it will still feel really good when you’re extra turned on before you start. So you need to do what you need to do to get horny: read a sexy story, watch a good porn, “forget” to wear panties on a date, talk dirty in public, spanking – whatever works for you.
Step 4: Don’t be shy to bring in outside help. By outside help, I mean bringing a buzzy little friend with you into the bedroom. Try having one of you massage a little mini vibe over your clit while you have sex or using a vibrating cockring or some other toy that you can use hands free. This will amp up the stimulation that you’re getting (since clits often get neglected during penetrative sex) and could help you come.
Step 5: Relax (again) and don’t get discouraged. If you didn’t get to orgasm this time, don’t worry about it, there’s always next time – focus on the good points and don’t beat yourself up for something that you can’t really control.
I hope that helps! ^_^