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"Ahh! No! Don't Come In!"

FigLeaf recently posed some interesting questions about masturbation.

“Ok, if masturbation is something we all do how come it’s a) supposed to be so embarrassing to be caught doing it and b) so exciting to hear about or even more exciting to watch?”

I remember overhearing a conversation as a child where my dad was actually talking about masturbation and said something like, “if you don’t figure out what you like on your own, how are you going to know what you need from a partner in bed?”. So, even before finding out what masturbation IS I knew that people shouldn’t feel guilty about it…

Yet, when I discovered masturbation by accident years later I still felt guilty. Maybe because that first orgasm was so unexpected, maybe because the fantasy I had been having had been about having sex in a van with a fictitious older boy. “Is this allowed?” my young teen mind worried.

Then came the guilt from wanting to do it more. Sometimes I would feel the urge while doing some math homework. “Okay, after these ten questions I’ll go do it”, “okay after these next three”, “okay after this one!” – until I ended up running off to “do it quick” and finishing my homework afterwards instead. “Am I out of control?” I fretted.

Let’s not even talk about those nights before I learned how to keep my bed from squeaking while I did it. I masturbated in fear of those words shouted from my parents’ room, “Are you okay? Is anything wrong?”. I’m sure (or at least I hope) that my mom thought I was having trouble sleeping and was tossing and turning in bed.

In high school I no longer felt guilty about it all the time. Yet, when a group of friends and acquaintances were sitting around, talking about masturbation, I denied that I had ever tried it – “What! Me? I wouldn’t even know how to do it!”
It wasn’t until I realized that guys actually thought it was sexy and when I found out that lot of the girls masturbate too, that I gave up denying my secret pleasure.

I think that a lot of people are convinced when they are very young that masturbation is wrong – which is part of why it can be embarrassing to be caught. Little kids touch themselves all the time, at least until mommy (or daddy) catches them and says “Stop! That’s wrong! Don’t do THAT!”. The message that touching your “naughty bits” = bad is internalized and pushed into the subconscious – ready to spring out and heap guilt upon a young mastubator.

Now, I was lucky enough to have parents who taught me that touching “there” was only not acceptable when I was around other people – it was a “private time” thing to do. Yet, I still felt a bit guilty and lived in fear that I would be caught doing it!

I think the other part of my answer to the first part of Fig’s question is that it’s considered embarrassing to be caught doing it because masturbation is a sexual activity and people like to keep a lot of their sexual activities private (esp. when they are young and don’t think their parents would approve).
For example, although I thought it was kinda hot that my male housemate could hear me having sex most of the time last year, I still would have been very unhappy and embarrassed if he had walked in on me!

Maybe some people treat masturbation as a bad habit. I have a friend who really doesn’t want people outside of our little circle to know that he is a chronic nail biter – and I know a lot of people who masturbate but wouldn’t go around telling everyone that they were just wanking half an hour ago and that’s why they were late for a meeting.

[Some of my faithful readers may recall that I have talked about some other aspects of masturbation guilt HERE.]

Now, I think I have already started to answer part B of Fig’s question - why is it exciting to hear about or watch someone masturbating?
Probably because masturbation is considered a private sexual act. When someone lets you watch them masturbate, they are letting you in on something that they would usually do alone and sharing something personal with you.
Even if it is porn instead of a real person sitting there, you are still being allowed to watch someone take themselves to ecstasy – you can observe exactly what they are doing, how they are touching themselves, and how they look when they finally orgasm (unless they are faking – but at least you still, hopefully, got a good idea of how it would look).

And maybe guys also think it’s hot knowing about or seeing a girl masturbating because a lot of women (and esp. the media) portray an image of women being uninterested in sexual acts and having to be coerced into participating. But a girl who masturbates obviously is interested in sexual acts. A woman who is comfortable with her sexuality is very sexy indeed.

{psst! If you click on the images, most of them will enlarge and you can see more detail}


20 comments to "Ahh! No! Don’t Come In!"

  • vatum & vixen

    Good post, I like to play with my bits too, but they dangle, so are easier to play with.
    Like the Hentai, too cool!

  • horny guy

    i’d probably die if i couldnt.. lol

  • Horny Old Guy

    Nice column about one of my favorite subjects and favorite activities (for over 50 years!).

  • pantylines

    great post! the pics are awesome as well!!!!

  • bedroomdancer

    Seriously, thank you Shay. The part about when you catch kids playing with themselves, inocently of course, (hey, look, this dangles) really inspired me. I talked to my husband about this, we are sans kids, but plan some in the next few years, and we decided to go with your “that’s for private” talk. If I hadn’t thought of that beforehand I probably would have said what I was told, the negative, “Don’t touch that!” And passed on the guilt/freaked out feeling.

    Great post all around!

  • Rex Venom

    Well. I am a master of the ‘Hand to Gland’ combat. A master masturbator…
    But even though we all do it, it is still personal. Like(but not exactly) using the washroom. We all do that, and we know it, but for most of society it is a private activity.
    But I like the way you really get your hands dirty as you dive into the topic (ok. I know puns are a poor form of humor, but life is as life is).
    I will be back.
    Rock on!

  • chelsea girl

    My mother always told me that it was ok to touch myself as long as my hands are clean.

    So, really, that’s my only rule.

  • jimbo

    Clearly masturbation is for that private time and whomever you want to share that time with. Great article. You and Des seem to of into the deep and meaningfuls right now.

  • Desireous

    Great post! You really delved into the heart of things! I enjoyed!


  • Aragorn

    Nice ! Great Analyses and thoughts. I can only say that it is indeed very hot to see Orchid masturbate, and at the same time, it raises a sense of guilt, as a watcher, but also in her. Such an interesting conditioning. I also find it not an easy thing to do in front of her. I guess that all falls in the line of what you wrote … Excellent. – A

  • Shay

    Glad you folks enjoyed this post! ^_^

    BedRDancer – Your comment made my night! To know that I’ve changed a future child’s life for the better makes me feel very… useful and like I am pursuing the right career path. (I forwarded your comment to my dad too, just to show off. ^_~)

    Rex – “master masturbator” you crack me up! I hope to see you back again. ^_^

    Chelsea – That’s a very important rule. ^_^

    Aragorn – I think another part of what you’re talking about is that, for a lot of people, masturbation is something you do alone when you can’t get sex. So it feels kinda funny to do it in front of someone you could just have sex with instead. (If you’ll allow a little anthropomorphism – it’s kinda of like your genes are saying “What are you doing?!” Go put those sperms in there and propagate!”)

  • The DogGrrrrl

    I remember masturbating when I was 3. And yes, girls can orgasm at that age. I’ve been a vehement proponent of it ever since.

    Funny I dont remember much else from that year. But I had yellow footie jammies, I remember that.

  • Celtic Frog

    I loved that question when fl posed it, and I love even more your answer to it.

    At times it’s hard not to revert to deep conditioning to say, “NO! Don’t touch!” to the Bug. Luckily I usually only slip when he’s reaching for it when it IS dirty. When I have a clean naked Bug running around the house, it’s easier to smile and remind him that he should take it somewhere private, even though he doesn’t understand that concept yet.

    Why is it appropriate to teach children that sex is bad, yet inappropriate to teach them manners anymore?

  • Burning Rubber


    Nice post! I can’t really remember ever feeling guilty about masturbating, but all the same, it is something I generally prefer to do in private. For me it’s kind of a lot like meditation… puts me into almost a trance state that I find to be a deeply satisfying way to focus and relax. Normally, relaxing makes me tense (heh) so it might be safe to assume that beating off has pushed my eventual heart attack years into the future! I’ve always felt that it is a healthy, normal act that should be encouraged rather than looked askance at.

  • Tess

    Great post.

    I have no problem admitting my masturbatory tendencies these days, in fact I’ve blogged about them at least twice. It was different as a teenager, my sister and I shared a room, and to this day I don’t recall hearing her or know if she heard me. I think I will ask…..she has the memory of an elephant.

    I also love to touch myself for a lover, though it usually takes some gentle coaxing. The way he looks at me makes it so worthwhile.

  • Anonymous

    Ugh, nope could NOT bring myself to comment under my blogger name. Sorry for the cowardly tendan-c’s but y’know how it goes :)
    I’m a teenager, and yes I’m probly in trouble for reading this by some forcefully religious mother somewhere… But I wanted to say thank you. Because I needed someone to tell me it’s not a horrible nasty obsession. And that it’s OK dammit to explore and have fun. So yeah, thank you.

    And I’ve totally done the ‘one more problem’ math homework thing. It was the only way I could get it done ;)

  • jay

    Thanks for letting the light shine on a topic that has probably stunted a lot of people emotionally. Who do you talk with about your masterbation “addiction?” Guys have it worse: more obvious evidence after the fact, difficult to hide a hard-on and act like nothing’s going on, and the threat of hairy palms.

  • Anonymous

    I am masturbating as I am typing this !
    The internet has taught me how to do it with my left hand, so my right hand can use the keyboard and mouse.

    Thanks, internet !!

  • JUnderCovers

    Thanks for pointing this post out to me, hadn’t caught it before. Great points, plus it’s always fun reading about a girl wanking. ;) It’s interesting to me that a lot of the guilt associated with it comes from religious sources, and yet even growing up in a family without religion, I still felt like I was doing something wrong. That puritanical mentality is just insidious!

  • Much Ado

    How shall i say something that all the others have already said? Great post! but for me probably becos i’ve always been fascinated with women masturbation (err,… i’m a man!) To me it’s so hot to see or imagine or even think about a woman masturbating. Thank you for this post… I’ve only just now started reading your blog and i find the posts and comments here very informative (just enough) and oh, the pics (hentai) are just awesome!! Your blog rocks!!!

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