“I have two questions:
I bought my gf some “wonder balls” and the description of the clerk was that they were toning and massaging marbles. By what we figure by the illustrations, they are inserted into the vagina for periods of time. My question is how long is it still safe to use? they’re like solid blue glass marbles, and she’s even slept with them on, but I have my wonders…

And the second one was referring to an orgasm she had two weeks ago. We were in the shower and she had a rush when she climaxed, she poured down a lot of blood. She said she really couldn’t help it, but what she was really worried about was that when the blood came down, she felt it really strong, and she was scared to maybe even have broken something. What do you think?“

As long as the balls are glass (or phthalate free) I don’t think there should be any harmful effects if she wanted to wear them all day.  It’s not the kind of toy that constricts blood flow or that would leak any harmful chemicals – so as long as it’s comfortable, she can wear them as long as she wants.  Though she may find that her vaginal muscles get tired, so she’ll want to take breaks.

As for your other question, you two don’t need to worry.  Sex is great when a woman is on her period because it eases cramps and can help the bleeding finish sooner.   This is partly because the flared head of the penis sorta pulls fluid and material out of the vaginal canal (see HERE) AND because of something neat that often happens when a woman orgasms…

When a woman orgasms, her internal muscles will often pulse and/or clench (which might also help push blood out), but the major thing is that her cervix tents – it flexes and opens wider for a moment.  This could be why suddenly a whole bunch of blood poured out of her.  This kind of deluge can happen, but doesn’t always – it depends on the circumstances (how heavy her flow is, whether you pulled out, etc etc).

I hope that helps answer your questions!

------

This post, Things in Vaginas, originally appeared on the s spot on October 1, 2010. If you are viewing it anywhere other than in a feed reader, it was scraped illegally and without my permission. Please email the(dot)s(dot)spot(at)gmail(dot)com and let me know.
------

“Dear Shay, i’ve got a quick n short question for you
i’ve been in a relationship for more than a year now, and we’re, of course, sexually active since the begining of our relationship
we have sex 3 to 4 times a week, and since then, i’ve never masturbated: i don’t see the need, and the quality of the orgasm that i can get masturbating is not even close to the one that sex delivers. Of course, i’m not counting when she masturbates me)
the problem is this: since last week, first her and now me got the flu, and i think i’ll arrive at the 2 weeks without sex mark easiyly. Do i wait until we’re both healthy again? do i venture on masturbating on my own? can you give me any tips on either improving my mastubation, or ease the wait until i can do it again?“

O.o
As I’m sure many of my single readers (or those who are in long distance relationships) can attest, it’s not like 2 weeks without sex is going to kill you.  In fact, it might make it that much sweeter when you two do feel well enough to have sex again.  So I’m not sure why this is such a big deal.

But hey, maybe I’m jaded?

Personally, unless you’re really really sick, I don’t see why recovering from the flu should get in the way of having sex.  You’re already bundled up in bed and, unless you’re vomiting/running a high fever/super achy, you two might enjoy a little tender sick-sex.  It boosts your immune systems and the shot of endorphins is great when you’re not feeling so hot.  Besides, if you’re too sick to have sex, you’re probably too sick to jerk off too.

But hey, maybe I’m just a crazy person and maybe your partner is too shy to let you see her when she’s sick and lounging around in her pajama pants and a hoodie.

I’m sure one or two guys might disagree with me, but in general, masturbating is not going to feel as good as when your partner either has sex with you or does it for you, it’s just not.  I’m sure you’ve perfected your technique as best as you can over years of practice; so I’m not sure what I can suggest for “improving your masturbation”… um… use lube?  Get a masturbation sleeve? Perhaps some of my other readers may have some other tips?

I hope this helps. :)

------

This post, Too Sick for Sex?, originally appeared on the s spot on August 31, 2010. If you are viewing it anywhere other than in a feed reader, it was scraped illegally and without my permission. Please email the(dot)s(dot)spot(at)gmail(dot)com and let me know.
------

“My Girlfriend is into anal play. She likes to play with me in that area plus she wants me to play with her there also. I am not at all comfortable with her playing with that area on me, but it is something she really enjoys and REALLY wants to do. I just can’t let her I almost want to hit her when she tries, that is how uncomfortable with it I am. Plus is it even safe to put an unprotected hand in there? She is so into Anal play and I can do it on her but I can’t let her do it to me, what should we do?“

On one hand I want to tell you to loosen up (literally) because I was raised to always give new things a chance.  Besides, it sounds like your girlfriend just wants to share something with you that she really enjoys.  There IS a lot of fun to be had by the men who are willing to try anal play – in fact, I’ve written a whole post about it HERE.  So if you just relax and open yourself to this new experience you could discover a brand-new way to enjoy your body as well as a new way to have sex with your girlfriend.
(If you’re interested, I have a whole series of posts on anal stuff HERE.)

HOWEVER
On the other hand, I don’t think that people should have to do things in bed that they are uncomfortable with.  If you’re not ready (even if you’re never ready) to try anal play yourself, you have a right to say no – just like anyone else.  It may disappoint your girlfriend, but it’s your body and you get to decide what happens to it and what goes inside it.

You will have to talk to your girlfriend and tell her how you feel – let her know that you’re not ready (and that you may never be ready) to let her put even her pinky finger up your bum, but that you’re happy to stimulate her anally if that’s what she’d like.

I hope that helps!

------

This post, Afraid of Anal Play, originally appeared on the s spot on June 13, 2010. If you are viewing it anywhere other than in a feed reader, it was scraped illegally and without my permission. Please email the(dot)s(dot)spot(at)gmail(dot)com and let me know.
------

“My boyfriend and me were able to cum at the same time for the first time yesterday. I really liked it but it has never happened before. In order for me to cum I have to have intense stimulation of my clit so I used a electric toothbrush on my clit while i am in the cowgirl position facing him. I want to be able to have us cum at the same time again so I was wondering if you had any tips for me on how to make it so we can cum at the same time again.

Also I had always wanted to have a threesome. I have never had a boyfriend completely agree with it before until my boyfriend now. He only said it needs to be someone we trust. I always wanted to but now that i have a chance to I dont know if i actualy want to I feel really jealous even thinking about him doing something to another girl and i feel kinda weird about thinking about another guy doing stuff to me because I love my boyfriend so much. So im torn between the fact that I really want to try it and and the fact that I feel very jealous and weird about it. I was hoping you would have some advice for me about it. “

Congrats on being able to come at the same time while you two were having sex – that’s always a pretty cool experience!  It sounds like what you might want to invest in is some sort of hands-free clit stim that you can use while you’re having sex.  Something like THIS or THIS or THESE might do the trick so that you don’t have to worry about holding a vibe against your clit while you’re trying to have sex and should open up a few more position options for you as well.

As for the threesome idea, it sounds like this might not be something you want to try right now in your relationship.  I’m sure there will be other times in your life where you’ll have a chance to try it out, but if you feel at all like it would make you jealous to see your boyfriend having sex with another woman, then I don’t think you should do it.   It’s not worth risking your relationship just for one night’s experience.

I think reading this post might help you as well: https://thesspot.org/2008/03/reader-question-introducing-a-threesome/ (make sure you also click the hot links to other related posts).  A threesome might be a fun fantasy that you two could play with using your imaginations (or a blow up doll, I’ve tried that and it was kinda fun/funny), but, to me, it sounds like you shouldn’t make it a reality right now.

A threesome may be something you two could try later on, or maybe you’ll decide that this is something that should just stay a fantasy – but it’s better not to rush into something that you might not be ready for emotionally.

I hope that helps!

------

This post, Coming Together and Maybe not With Others, originally appeared on the s spot on May 21, 2010. If you are viewing it anywhere other than in a feed reader, it was scraped illegally and without my permission. Please email the(dot)s(dot)spot(at)gmail(dot)com and let me know.
------

“Hey, Shay, long time reader, first time desperate advice seeker.
At the tender age of 25, I just figured out how to make myself orgasm. As I’ve been a pretty sexually active girl who *thought* she knew her own body for the past 12 years, it came as quite a shock. The worst part is that I’ve only ever been able to manage it with anal and clitoral stimulation – I have to overload my body. I thought it wasn’t possible for girls to come from anything but their clit or their g-spot… am I super broken, or do I just have a few wires crossed?

(The worst part of all of this is how bad I feel when my awesome boyfriend doesn’t make me come during sex. I’ve explained it to him, and he says he understands and he’s cool with it, but still I feel kinda bad.)“

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you – there’s no rule for what is or isn’t supposed to make your orgasm.
There are all kinds of little hot spots and buttons all over our bodies and any combination (or repeated pressings – to really push my metaphor to the edge) could work for someone.  You just have a different combination of buttons that work for you than what the mainstream media would like you to believe is common.
In fact, I’m just happy you figured out how to orgasm at all! A sad amount of women never even get to figure out as much as you have already.

Maybe you and your boyfriend could experiment with other ways that you can “overload” your body – you might not be able find a way to orgasm with him, but it sure could be a lot of fun trying! ^_^  Most women can’t orgasm during sex – they just can’t seem to get the right kind of stimulation from penetrative vaginal sex.  Some of these women may also not be able to tell if they DO orgasm during sex, because it might not feel the same as when they masturbate (for example it could be a less intense version of their orgasm, or feel like it’s focused somewhere else).

So basically: keep having fun, keep enjoying yourself with your boyfriend, and grab your orgasms where and when you can – don’t stress so much about the how.

------

This post, There are Many Ways to Orgasm, originally appeared on the s spot on April 26, 2010. If you are viewing it anywhere other than in a feed reader, it was scraped illegally and without my permission. Please email the(dot)s(dot)spot(at)gmail(dot)com and let me know.
------

“Hey Shay, i’m still a virgin, but recently my boyfriend and I are trying to have sex.
The first time he tried to penetrate was painful but i was sort of expecting that. But now it’s been a few weeks, and we have tried several times but the pain is too much for me to bear. And in my head i’m thinking that he is too big, so in my own time i’m trying to get ‘accustomed’ to a larger size. However, while trying it out on myself with something that really isnt much thicker or bigger than he is, i’ve realised that the pain isn’t actually my hymen as the pain is from the top of the vagina opening not the bottom. Should i be worried? Or is it all in my head? Because to be honest, i do doubt that its my hymen thats causing the problem. If you can help that would be great! And i’m sorry if this type of question has been posted before… i’m new to your blog and very impressed by it (not to mention learning alot too). Thanks Shay :)“

I think your instincts are correct, it probably isn’t your hymen that’s bothering you.  There is a bone in your pubic area and some cartilage at the top of your vagina, so that could be what you’re hitting.  I’ve had similar trouble if I don’t take the time to get properly warmed up before I test out some of the thicker toys I’ve reviewed.  Usually if you take the time to get really relaxed and turned on, things become more flexible and you should have less trouble/pain.

Check out some of my posts for first timers HERE because there might be some other useful advice for you there as well. ^_^

I hope that helps.  If you do keep finding sex painful after a few more attempts, you could try asking your doctor/gynecologist to see if they have any other ideas for you.

------

This post, Painful Penetration, originally appeared on the s spot on February 22, 2010. If you are viewing it anywhere other than in a feed reader, it was scraped illegally and without my permission. Please email the(dot)s(dot)spot(at)gmail(dot)com and let me know.
------

I bought a small vibrator and I did everything right, down to mood lighting, lube, taking my time, porn, fantasies, the whole shebang. Nothing. I can’t come with a vibrator, and penetration, even very slow, gradual, gentle penetration, hurts too much to continue. I’m pretty sure my hymen isn’t intact, since I can’t see it at all, but I just cannot get anything bigger than a finger in there, no matter what I try. I can’t come with manual stimulation of my clit, either. Just the leg-crossing thing, and penetration is awful. I keep worrying that when I do get around to having sex, it will hurt too much and I’ll end up being embarrassed and frustrated. I want to have fun, get laid, enjoy sex like most of the other people my age, but I just don’t want to end up disappointed. I know the first time isn’t going to be magical or awesome, but at this point I just want to get the first time over with so I can stop feeling like such a freak and start having fun, but I’m scared.

What should I do? Is it possible that there is something wrong with the way my vagina is shaped, so that it won’t allow penetration? I feel like everything is right, but it is just way too painful.  Every website or book gives me the same advice: slow down, take your time, use lube, relax, blah blah blah, but none of that helps and there doesn’t seem to be any other advice out there.  I just don’t want to deal with the scary doctor’s office until I officially have to. I’m sorry to send you such a long email, but this whole thing has become really stressful recently and I’d really appreciate any suggestions you might have. Thanks so much!”

My first piece of advice is to stop stressing out.

I’m not going to deny that sex is fun – but you shouldn’t feel like a freak just because you haven’t had a chance to try it yet! A lot to do with sex happens in your head, and being stressed out or worried about your first time can contribute a lot to the kind of problems you’re experiencing (but now don’t worry about being worried! ^_~). From what you’ve told me, it sound like you might be experiencing something similar to vaginismus (tight clamping of the vaginal muscles); usually this disappears over time, as you become more comfortable and experienced.

Here is what I suggest: set a date night with yourself every week – at least once a week (you can adjust it to your schedule as needed). On these date nights you’ll have something nice for dinner, take a hot shower, find some porn/erotica that you like, and spend some time exploring your body.

If crossing your legs works for getting you off, do that – but stop every so often to try touching yourself another way: try inserting a finger or two, try using the vibe on your clit – mix things up a little – but don’t let yourself get frustrated if something doesn’t feel good, just stop and go back to what does work for you.

Be very gentle and patient with your body and it should come around eventually.

On another note – the doctor’s office isn’t scary!! You should definitely make an appointment to have your annual physical done (it’s very important), although you’re not sexually active yet, it’s still a good idea to get everything checked out. Pick a nice female doctor and let her know about your concerns; one of the exams does involve opening your vagina and taking swabs, so you should let her know that you’re afraid this will hurt. (I’ve never found it too painful, if that makes you feel more confident.)

Don’t worry, everything will be fine. ^_^

------

This post, Sometimes You Need Date Night With Yourself, originally appeared on the s spot on February 9, 2010. If you are viewing it anywhere other than in a feed reader, it was scraped illegally and without my permission. Please email the(dot)s(dot)spot(at)gmail(dot)com and let me know.
------