“My wife and I have been sexually active for just over 2 years now and she has not been able to orgasm. Before that, she had no sexual experience, and had never orgasmed. I have tried many things, trying to help her.
She says it feels “quite nice” when I go down on her, but still nothing more than that. When we do have sex, I always end up feeling like she is just waiting ’till I come!
The point of my email is this – how can I/we increase her enjoyment and bring her to orgasm – will she ever become more sensitive ‘down there’, or is it just a case of slowly working on it and eventually those fireworks will sparkle?
I love her dearly, and am desperate for her to experience the sorts of orgasms that you speak of regularly in your blog – and I’m sure that she wants to too!!”
I am so sorry to hear about the difficulties that you and your wife seem to be having. Many many women (contrary to what the Internet would have you believe) do have trouble achieving orgasm and even more women have difficulties orgasming during sex. But this does not mean that they won’t ever be able to experience the fireworks (and it doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t still enjoy sex).
Many/most women require clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm and often, during penetrative vaginal sex, the poor little clit can be forgotten or ignored.
When you perform oral sex on your wife you will be able to stimulate her clitoris a lot more. But she may not be reaching orgasm there because you still might not be able to give her enough (sometimes it’s just not humanly possible) and/or she might not know what to ask for if she has never masturbated herself to orgasm before.
It’s hard to know what you need to help you orgasm if you’ve never had one before. It’s like trying to get to ikea without a map – sure you might find your way there eventually, but it’s easier if you’ve been there before and know the quickest/best routs.
One thing you/she can try is playing with a little vibrator – even just a vibrating bullet could be enough. Kiss her, touch her, watch porn together (unless she doesn’t like porn) and press the vibrating tip on her clitoris. You might want to start by using it on a lower setting and/or pressing it on her vulva and clit through her panties.
If you are using a bullet, you could also try using it with a cock ring so that her clit is being stimulated while you have penetrative sex.
If she is still having difficulties achieving orgasm with you, ask her to try it by herself. If she experiments with herself she might be better able to explore what works for her because she won’t be worrying about pleasing or disappointing you.
It’s very important that you don’t put a lot of pressure on her (that will just make it harder and could strain your relationship) – like I said, not every woman can orgasm every time she has sex but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t still enjoy it.
Hopefully, with some time and attention, the two of your will find a way to share beautiful orgasms and enjoy the fireworks together.