subscribe to me

Wear a Sexy Button:

Become a Fan:


Support Your Shay:

Sex Toys and Vibrator Reviews at VibeReview

Read the Review

Over 2000 adult and other products from Japan -- click now!

Sexis - a provocative sex magazine at
Hi, I'm Shay.

Welcome to The S Spot!

This is a positive space where I talk about sex/sexuality, publish my toy reviews/guides, and post some pretty sexy images and videos. ^_^

I also answer reader questions - so feel free to send me a message and ask me anything. (Check my archives to see what other people have asked too, maybe someone had the same problem you did!)

I've been writing for a while, so go ahead and explore my site - I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for, and if not, let me know!

E-mail your comments / suggestions / questions to:

[It is understood that all subjects in CBW photos must be of at least 18 years of age and photos are submitted with consent. The S Spot is not responsible for the irresponsibility of others.

All questions/ comments/ suggestions/photos, once received by Shay, become her property and may or may not be published at her discretion.]

All written material is copywright of Shay ©2004-2009 (unless otherwise specified) and may not be used without express permission.



Site search









follow ShaySpot at

Random Posts

Linked With:

Add to Technorati Favorites ______________________

Shay Lovers:


Unless otherwise specified, images are copywrite to the individual owners. Any misuse is unintentional and images will be removed upon request.

The Dark Side of Masturbation (and Sex)

As you know, I feel very positively about sex and masturbation in general, but just this once, I thought I should talk a bit about sexual compulsions/addictions.

[Since this is the month of May, I will focus a little more on compulsive masturbation, but keep in mind that the same ideas apply to various sexual activities as well.]

During your lifetime, it is likely that you will go through phases of intense sexual activity. For example, when you first discover masturbation you might find yourself doing it as often as you can or when you first start a new sexual relationship you might find that you are having sex together as often as you can - these types of behaviours are not considered to be compulsive or sexual addictions.

Dr. Eli Coleman defines compulsive sexual behaviour as behaviour that is driven by anxiety reduction rather than sexual desire.

A compulsive masturbator may start by feeling a lot of anxiety (brought on by work/school/family/life stress), then become preoccupied with thinking about masturbating to relieve the anxiety. They may form a ritual for getting a chance to masturbate (for example, telling your coworkers that you’ll meet them for lunch and then sneaking off to the bathroom to jerk off while they wait). After masturbating they experience temporary relief of their anxiety, but in many cases the compulsive masturbator feels guilty or disgusted with themselves or ashamed of their need (usually due to societal/familial/cultural biases against the behaviour) - which just creates more anxiety and accelerates the cycle.

Compulsive masturbation or masturbation addiction is considered a “nonparaphillic” compulsive sexual behaviour because it is a normal sexual behaviour that has been taken to a compulsive extreme.

Now I don’t want you to freak out right now because you masturbate 5 times a week and you’re suddenly worried that it’s a sign of a problem (it’s probably not).
Here are some of the questions that clinicians have used to help identify patients who seem to suffer from a compulsive sexual behaviour:

1. Do you, or others who know you, find that you are overly preoccupied or obsessed with sexual activity (including masturbation)?
2. Do you ever find yourself compelled to engage in sexual activity (including masturbation) in response to stress, anxiety, or depression?
3. Have serious problems developed as a result of your sexual behaviour (including masturbating) - for example, the loss of a job or relationship, sexually transmitted diseases, injuries or illnesses, or sexual offenses?
4. Do you feel guilty or shameful about some of your sexual behaviours?
5. Do you think your pattern of masturbation is excessive, driven, or dangerous?

A yes to any of these questions might indicate a problem with compulsive sexual behaviour.

There is a lot of crap out on the internet about compulsive masturbation and other sexual addictions. I’ve found websites talking about all kinds of crazy causes for it and most of them tell you that you have to stop masturbating completely because it’s a sin/it will ruin your marriage/it’s the only way to truly “cure” yourself - which is all pretty much bullshit.

Ideally, the goal is to not give up your sexual addiction entirely (unless it’s dangerous to yourself or others), but to manage it. So the compulsive masturbator that I used as an example doesn’t have to stop masturbating to be “cured”, they just might need to find a different way to manage their anxiety (and save masturbation for recreation). Proper therapy will be a great help (and according to Dr. Coleman, prozac + therapy will be even better) .

I still firmly believe that regular masturbation is healthy, but if it’s all you can think about when you’re at work, or if you’re staying in to play with yourself all the time instead of spending time with friends or family, then you might have a problem and you might want to seek help (preferably from a sex therapist) .

Top comic from sexylosers
Coleman, E. (1995). Treatment of compulsive sexual behaviour. In S.R. Leiblum: R.C. Rosen (Eds.) Case Studies in Sex Therapy (pp. 333-349). New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

, , , ,


Comment from Anonymous
Time May 8, 2006 at 3:39 am

good topic. There is one other explanation for what might be called compulsive masterbation. It could be related to displacement behaviour. That is, the desire to avoid or procrastinate something difficult or stressful. There isn’t any guilt associated with it, but it’s an endorphin rush that takes the mind off the stressful issue. Of course, the issue is still there. And as soon as the penis recovers, well, there you go. I don’t think this is an issue from the psychological perspective (note: I’m not a pyschologist) but neither is it a very productive way to deal with stress. (ok, the pun works to the opposite but that’s not what I meant).
Thanks again for your posting.


Comment from horny guy
Time May 8, 2006 at 3:45 am

yikes.. i said yes to one of those question.. im doomed.

Comment from Shay
Time May 8, 2006 at 1:50 pm

Cal - using masturbation to avoid dealing with a stressful situation does sound possible as well; people use all kinds of excuses to try to delay or avoid dealing with anxiety producing situations. :)

HG - Oh noes! You are dooomed for sure ^_~ But I already knew that you were a masturbation addict. tee hee

Comment from Horny Old Guy
Time May 8, 2006 at 2:18 pm

Hmmm…up until now I didn’t think it was possible to masturbate too much but of that all makes sense I suppose. If you are doing it 24/7, it’s time to slow it down a bit (unless you are a teenage boy of course!). I still don’t see much wrong with sneaking into the toilet for a lunch time jack off…it always worked for me!

Comment from FeelsReallyGood
Time May 8, 2006 at 7:36 pm

Shay I just wanted to let you know that we will be having sex regulary throughout the masterbation month of May. You wont be there, and sometimes you wont even know it’s happening, but be prepared for a lot of doggystyle, froggystyle and good ol passionate love-making missionary.

Seriously, I love the blog. Very interesting. I appreciate you cited your sources…shows you really care about what your talking about. You’ve also inspired me to start my own sexuality blog and free the nasty thoughts on the left side of my brain. When it’s up and running I’ll let you know.

Comment from :P fuzzbox
Time May 8, 2006 at 11:54 pm

I once worked with a guy that talked about masturbation all the time and also took frequent bathroom breaks. Frankly he freaked me out just a bit. I avoided shaking his hand at all costs.

Comment from sicilia_vita
Time May 9, 2006 at 12:20 am

Shay, I was all happy about May being Masturbation Month (as if I needed a reason to celebrate like I do. . . and do. . . and do) but now you have me thinking and wondering about this — is it too much? Oh man . . . I think I too may be doomed.

Comment from Shay
Time May 9, 2006 at 1:50 am

HornyOldGuy - haha Just as long as you don’t skip lunch to do it, you gotta get those nutrients in your so that you can squirt them back out ^_~

FRG - I so happy to hear that you are going to be enjoying the month of may ^_^ and even happier to hear that you are enjoying my blog! It’s wonderful to be apriciated. I’m so honoured to have inspired you to start your own blog, I look forward to checking it out. ^_^

Fuzz - ROFL!

Sicilia - Oh! I didn’t mean to spoil the month for you; did you answer yes to many of the questions? I think the most important are the last three, because they really indicate a more serious problem. I feel so bad now for upsetting you. :(

Comment from Pronto
Time May 15, 2006 at 9:50 pm

Great post!

Comment from Scarlett
Time May 18, 2006 at 4:36 pm

Hi Shay
Just came on to your blog from the sugasm link.
Great post. Personally i do not think it is posible to masturbate too much. I rarely rise from my bed in the morning until i have self-pleasured and often i go again in the shower. Then at night (if alone) it is the perfect way to drop off to sleep. For me it has nothing to do with stress relief or depression. It just sets me up for the day ahead, or (in the case of bedtime) the dream state ahead. Simply put - i find relaxation and peace in it - and a lot of fun!
I look forward to trawling your archives to read more of your stuff - many thanks.

Comment from Shay
Time May 19, 2006 at 4:57 am

Scarlett - Thanks so much for leaving this comment, you are a perfect example of how a lot of masturbation doesn’t necessarily indicate a problem. I bet you answered “no” to the diagnosing questions in my post. As I said in my masturbate for health post, masturbation can be very very good for you.

Comment from prostabator
Time May 24, 2006 at 8:59 pm

For years I felt guilty about masturbation, religious reasons…but now that I feel free to stroke, I also feel free to poke. My bum that is. Since I found the pleasures of prostate massage, I can hardly stand to have an orgasm without it. While I too answered yes to one or more of the questions above, I think it is only because I found a new toy to play with…once the newness wears off, I’m sure it’ll be business as usual. Should I worry if not?

Comment from Anonymous
Time May 24, 2006 at 9:14 pm

When I’ve got ready to orgasm in the bathtub. I mentally give my self permission to squirt and I do.
My cum shoots out and hits the front wall of the tub. I stand up and let it filter down the drain.

Comment from Anonymous
Time July 10, 2006 at 2:58 am

I think that it is a lot of BS to talk about masturbation in Psychodynamic terms. Personally I do it because it feels good. I especially like to get myself aroused looking at internet porn, prolong it for a while, then really have a great release. I also think it is a good idea for us to express our masturbation thoughts. When we keep them pent up they seem weird. When we realize that people are masturbating all of the time it doesn’t seem like the kind of thing we should feel guilty about.

Comment from Shay
Time July 10, 2006 at 3:54 am

Prostabator - I’m sure you’ll be back to “normal” once the new-ness wears off. ^_^

Anon1 - sounds like you have fun bath time.

Anon2 - Please take the time read my entire post before you try to rant at me. You might be especially interested in my last paragraph, in particular the link in the first sentence of this paragraph.

Comment from Mike
Time July 24, 2006 at 8:30 pm

I couldn’t survive without masturbation! It is the greatest! and i cannot belive that people say that it is a sin to masturbate. What does everyone think about the anti-masturbators as i like to call them?

And i strongly belive that frequent masturbation is healthy, and then when i read in a random magazine that i picked up, that orgasming increases the number of white blood cells in your body, made me belive this even more so.

And i don not think that it is unhealthy to masturbate 24/7. I personally look at internet hardcore lesbian porn to arouse myself and then masterbate and give myself the best cuming ever!

Comment from Anonymous
Time July 27, 2006 at 5:46 am

careful not to hurt yourself.

Comment from Anonymous
Time January 24, 2007 at 12:21 pm

At 40 y/o with a fantastic wife; who is expecting an equally fantastic daughter next month. I have a load of work on but cash flow is cr*p and there is no seeing the wood for the trees. Panic mode has set in but the most I can produce is a load from my sack rather than start working. My circumstance; (and fourth wank of the morning), led me to come out of the website that I was looking at and Google “compulsive masturbation”.

Well just to confirm the above theories about stress relief, anxiety etc; yes it does work for a moment; well several really, but it does not resolve the problem. The only thing to do is to start dealing with the task in hand. The work that is!!

Ok now I’ve scrutinised my actions; I am going to do exactly what I know I should……as soon as I’ve had a wank!!

Oh and May is a long month; its now January 2007. ?

Comment from Shay
Time January 25, 2007 at 12:43 am

What? I should take down my pretty button just because it’s not May anymore?

Don’t blame me if you’re reading my archives instead of my fresh stuff - just head to my front page! ^_^

Comment from Anonymous
Time April 12, 2007 at 2:38 am

Thanks for the post. I often think that I jerk off too much. I’ve been told I’m obsessed w sex by a few girlfriends. I can spend most of the day exploring my erotic psychology and building elaborate rituals of layered stimulation. But once I cum, I feel like I snapped out of a dream. WTF was I doing? And then I get on with the day. Later, I might do it again. On the positive side, I am a sexpert. On the negative, I get nothing done and girlfriends doubt my capabilities outside of the bedroom. Like any superpower, it is a double edged sword. I try not to fall on it.

Comment from Anonymous
Time February 13, 2008 at 10:01 pm

Good post. Masterbation is certainly normal, and even frequent masterbation is not a necessarily a sign of some deeper problem. But Chronic compulsive masterbation is also a fairly common sympton of OCD…So if you struggle with anxiety, racing disturbing thoughts and ritualized behavior, you may want to talk to a behavioral therapist or psychiatrist(even MD) Most people with OCD do not seek help because of embarrassment or because they don’t even know that what they have is a real disorder. But the disease can be managed through therapy and medication if needed.

Write a comment