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Mushroom Heads

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“The government has funded a study to determine why the head of a man’s penis is wider than its shaft. The study took 2 years and cost millions.

The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man’s penis is wider was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, another team of researchers decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the first study were incorrect.

After three years of research and a few more millions, they concluded that the head of a man’s penis is wider than the shaft to provide the women with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of this second study were released, yet another team of researchers decided to conduct their own study. They didn’t really trust the first or the second groups’ studies.

So after nearly three whole days of intensive research and at the cost of a bottle of lotion, a few porno mags, and a box of tissue, the third study came to the final conclusion that the reason the head of a man’s penis is wider than its shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead”

I always thought this joke was cute – the image of some poor fellow smacking himself in the head mid-wank always makes me giggle.

However, I thought you folks might be interested in what researchers think may be the REAL reason for the penis head flare.

As you may have noticed, the penis makes a pretty awesome piston – and with that mushroom-shaped head, it makes an excellent suction piston. This is very important for situations where you’re not sure if the gal your body* wants to impregnate has recently been with another man (regardless of whether it’s sneaky infidelity or an orgy), but it’s also just plain cool and generally handy.

To make this work, we need two things: a penis with a flared head (the kind that nearly every man has) and some nice deep thrusting.

Thrusting in and out feels great, but it also serves another important role – while a fella is thrusting in and out of his partner’s little love hole, his cock head is effectively removing any material that could ruin his chances of having his sperm win the race to her egg**.

With every inward thrust, the blunt end of the cock pushes through any leftover semen, flowback or mucous left in the vagina before he got there *squish*.

When he pulls back, any material that ended up getting squished behind the lip of the cock head will be pulled backwards and out of the vag with the cock. Also, anything left in front of the head will be sucked further down because of the suction created *shlurp*.

So, the more you thrust, the cleaner your partner’s vag gets and the less competition will be around for your sperm (if they were going to be deposited which, as discussed before *, may or may not be your cognitive plan). It also works great for keeping everything well lubricated because the coronal ridge will pull down juices being produced deeper inside.

Isn’t that neat!? ^_^

* I say “your body” here because it usually works on spreading it’s genes, regardless of whatever plans your brain has made; for example, your penis still works hard to deliver it’s payload of sperm – it doesn’t “know” that it’s wearing a condom, or that it’s actually in an ass.
** Apologies for the hetero-centricity of this post.
Baker, R. (1996) Sperm wars: the science of sex. HaperCollins ltd, Toronto Canada.

Courtesy of the lovely Prospero, we also have the results of the study done at the University at Albany by researchers who decided to test the above theory using a realistic fake penis and vagina. They put a tablespoon or two of a cornstarch/water mixture into the fake vagina and then thrust the fake cock into it. Turns out that the coronal ridge in fact does an amazing job pulling out deposited fluid from the vagina – the first deep thrust and withdrawal got rid of more than 90% of the mixture!

P.S. Anyone who was thinking that they might be able to use this as a birth control method, smack yourself right now – this would NOT be an effective way to stop your girlfriend from getting pregnant and will NOT protect either of you from catching an STI or worse.

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