I was recently talking about one of my friends with another friend as we walked home from campus together.
This friend [the one we were talking about, not the one I was talking to] has, happily, just gotten into a great new relationship with a lovely girl and was telling me about how wonderful is it to have someone as physically and emotionally interested in him and he is in her.
You see, his first girlfriend ever, well she was….”Interesting”. I never actually met her, so I can’t really say anything about her personality, except that she sounds immature.
My friend was with this girl for a whole year and half during his late teens. Late teens – that’s when all the hormones seem to be running extra high and young lovers get into all kinds of trouble. (Personally, I was called to the Principal’s office once in my late teens for getting caught being groped by my boyfriend on school grounds… Luckily that was the only thing we got caught doing. ^_~)
My friend certainly was a healthy and normal young man, who was very interested in getting more physical with the girl he was in love with. But, he was (and is) a super sweety and didn’t want to push her into something she wasn’t ready for.
Waiting for sex seems like kind of a fad now, I think – I’ve been hearing about how teens today are trying harder than ever to save sex for marriage (or at until least their first year of university ^_~) and so they pretty much get into everything but: heavy petting, mutual masturbation, dry humping, oral, anal (?)….
But my poor friend didn’t get any of that. Even after a YEAR and a half, his girlfriend would only allow him to touch her breasts, UNDER her shirt (he wasn’t even allowed to see them!!).
To me this sounds unreasonable. Maybe I’m just a sex crazy whore….but after a YEAR and a half, you HAVE to throw the poor boy something a little more satisfying than a little hidden boob gropage!
So. This brings me back to my conversation (with a different friend) earlier. We were talking about how unfair the situation was for my friend and YET if he had broken up with her because she wouldn’t “put out” he would have been labeled a jerk and a perv.
As I’m sure many of the frustrated halves of couples out there can testify, physical intimacy is an important part of a healthy relationship! But, why is it that someone who breaks up with a person who refuses this physical (AND emotional) intimacy will be labeled negatively!?!
the ones who label people negatively are usually those who are single themsevles and don’t understand the importance of having a complete relationship that is both physical and emotional… i have a very close friend who was in a situation where the guy , in lack of better terms, could have been a priest and after 7 yrs, finally broke up with him.
You bring up a very interesting point, Shay. They are probably labeled by the people who don’t recognize sex as being every bit as important of a mental, physical and emotional need as others. And only under shirt groping after 18 months would be tough. My balls would be midnight blue after that. I was more aggressive – I let my wife see my “man boobs” after two or three dates. ;-D
Uurgh, you brought back all that teenage angst that I’d almost forgotten. When you have a partner whose needs (sexual or otherwise) fit in with yours, you tend to forget the relationships which didn’t work. The longing and the pain that goes along with ealy partners.
If she was that up-tight about sex, what hoops did she have him jumping through in other areas?
I hope it all works out for your friend with his new lady.
Alex
The bitchilicious female perspective has arrived!
Yes of course he would have been labelled a jerk. And that would have been going easy on him.
Physical relationships are important. They are. But what about ‘I love you and respect your feelings. Your desires.’ Or maybe just trying to understand what she wanted from the relationship. Perhaps something that happened to her as a kid that ruined her desire for intimacy? (Know that one all too well myself.)
Repression and guilt, then look at what a wild ass emerged later. Boy, if my first boyfriend could see me now he’d probably swallow his own tongue.
I guess there truly is someone for everyone. Matching needs and feelings on sex, never seems to quite balance on both sides does it? Lucky are those who find their match.
Happy Un-Thanksgiving you damned canooksky. I have saved my leftovers for ya. Lets get naked and roll around in them!
Talk about bitchilicious!
DQ!! I’d wondered where you’d scampered off to! Welcome back at last – you’d better have a good excuse, before I take you over my knee!
Actually, I’m not sure what was up with the girl in question. I asked my friend why they broke up and he said that SHE broke it off. Apperantly she could tell that he’s a “long term relationship” kinda guy and was worried that it would just get harder and harder to break things off so that she could “experience” other men before she “settled down”.
Demon Queen, I’ve so missed you.
Great post Shay, really made me think.
It’s true that as adults most of us tend to accept sex as a nessicary part of a fulfilling relationship. Yet those hangovers from being a teenager seem to come back when we think about leaving through lack of, and we feel guilty over again.
Its so blurry when you’re young. No one wants to be pushed into something they don’t want to do. But when I was young I didn’t have much sympathy for girls who kept their guys waiting…and waiting…and waiting. If you don’t want physical intimacy, why have a boyfriend at all?
I had a girlfriend like that in high school. I went to great lengths for more intimacy. I even attended church with her in spite of being a total heathen. I eventually ended up having a fling with her best friend. I know it was a shitty thing to do but after six months of frustration, I have learned to live with myself.
Shay
I’ve awarded you your rating, as requested. You get a dual award, not the first I’m afraid as Figleaf got that this morning. But a dual non the less.
Johannes
You bring up a good point. Overall our society has a real cruddy outlook on sex. In fact our society is far more accepting of violence in comparison to sex. I think people are afraid of their sexuality and don’t understand it. Thus if someone is leaving another for the lack of sex they must be bad. I’m not sure what we can do to change this outlook. It is so deeply ingrained in us. I suppose our blogging and being honest about our sex lives is a step in that direction….
Hugs
Des
As someone whose first partner not only wouldn’t consider anything more than chaste contact *before * marriage but also kept this up for over two years *afterwards* I have fairly strong views on this point.
Couples should know that they’re sexually compatible enough to consider spending the rest of their lives *before* marriage. How on earth can they do that without having had some sexual experience beforehand?
you dont say how old but if over 18 a year and half is to long if she if you dont love me and me you by now enough for sexxual intamacy you never will. why stay with someone when its going nowhere women call me a jerk if you want but i met my wife had sex 3 months later and 25 years later we are still in love very much
This is a subject that I rant on regularly. I meet so many men that are treated like perverts because they have sex drives. What the fuck!? I’m tired of talking to guys that are made to feel like monsters because of this sort of thing.
While this ex-girlfriend in question is fully justified in deciding whatever she wants about her body, your friend is also free to make decisions about his. His decision is that he wants to have sex and breaking up with someone that doesn’t have the same goals as him or perspective on the relationship is completely reasonable.
Sorry for the outburst but this stuff makes me mad and sad, I’m really glad you made the post.
Yes,
If you are with someone and their ideal and perceptions of certain things, intimacy, sex, goals, family etc are different or over the course of the relationship have changed then people have the right to get out of the relationship.