Shay’s answers aren’t necessarily going to apply to all people in all circumstances. Instead the most one can hope for is that the answers will be generally applicable to (hopefully) most people in most similar circumstances. The impression that the columnist is answering the writer directly is to some extent illusory – more of a rhetorical device than reality.

And that goes for all the advice provided by commenters as well.

So RF-DES/gf: it sounds like you’ve found a solution that works for you. Consider the advice provided here to be more for others than for you.

Commenters: we should probably avoid being too judgmental in our responses (myself included).

Sex/relationships is perhaps one of the touchier topics, but this problem is real for any advice column on any topic. Ann Landers probably got the same sort of annoyed feedback sometimes.

@girlfriend: i know my personality sucks. but thats how i am i speak with truth and i dont censor my thougts. and did you read what i said last. i asked your boyfriend what she likes about so much. cos i cant see one side its not fair. i mean maybe he is a pornoholic or something. you cant know a person with just some post.

i mean its ok to seach sometimes on your parnter stuff. but for porn? is not like he is gona leave you for porn as he has already stated.

and i dont like te fact that you hate porn. i mean what porn did to you? i understand that he sould not be watching porn when he have sex with you every time. but if it is once in a while its ok.

@theguy: are you sure you are not voyeur. maybe you are. i know i have a fetish with underwear. soo hmp. take some time examinating yourself. a question? did she realy forbids you to masturbate or i read wrong?

and if you love her so much, then leave porn is not like porn is such a great thing. compared to her. besides, didnt porn started to become less and less atractive when you met her. it happened to me.

before i met my girlfriend porn was great, not that i met her, porn started to look dull and stupid i still see it but not as much as i did before.

and i repeat are you voyeur, i dont see problem with being one.

have a nice day and long lasting relationship. and enjoy each other bodies ;)

And no…I’m sorry to say my dearest boyfriend got it wrong. I have no problem with porn. I actually find it an economically good part of our world. However i do have a problem with my boyfriend looking at it while in a relationship with me.

Matt – Don’t worry hun, I’ll be getting to you soon.

Anon3 – I’m not sure that I quite understood everything you wrote, but if I got the gist right, then I think it’s a shame but ultimately it’s your personal preference to not enjoy porn and I won’t tell you that you HAVE to change. I certainly don’t think I was wrong to suggest what I did; it’s a solution that has worked for others in the past and that I beleive will continue to work for other readers who may stop by here in the future. Unfortunately it wasn’t the right solution for you, but how was I to know? I do my best with what I DO know about people in general and I beleive that what I suggested is a good suggestion for the average couple.
(Also, I beleive it’s understood that any reader question may be published on my site, unless it’s been specifically requested that I not. I have been running this site for a very long time and have published many reader questions that serve as examples. But, just case, I do have a warning in my right-hand sidebar)

Nar – lol

Gad – hmm you might be right ^_~

Stevo – It actually hurts my heart a little to read what you said – such negative attitudes about pornography! Porn doesn’t have to be “sick” and “tainted” (though it does depend on what you’re into looking at – some couples really enjoy “sick and tainted”).
Your second paragraph actually scares me a little – you’re not supposed to fall in love with your porn, which would have to be the case if you were going to be looking on it “with the same eyes that [you] look upon [your]beloved “
It’s a shame that you think porn can replace a real living breathing woman in front of the average man, because I know MANY men who would love to dispute this with you at length.
And finally, I’m not sure why, but your comment finished up with a really unexpected conclusion.

I would say that perhaps that is a compromise in itself for her simply allowing me to take some pictures of her.

Also, to Nar- The reason I care for her so much has nothing to do with her looks, though she is beautiful, but we have a good deal in common and I’m not about to let something as silly as pornography ruin what I feel is a good relationship.

Giving porn up is a very small price to pay for being with her. My original question was truly about any ideas on ways to help me resist urges which I’ve grown so used to giving into. Though I should know by now that it’s more of a inner struggle and not something I can get much help on.

Thanks for the advice though Shay, oh and Stevo, I never said I wasn’t willing to give it up for her. I was simply having a hard time doing it at first.

Oh well, I’ll have to start over now.

Anon1 – You are entitled to your opinion, of course, just as I am entitled to disagree – people can change their minds. Also, see Mr/ Cello’s comment.

Anon2 – I do agree that in a relationship each person does need to make an effort to accept their partner the way that they are (and yes, changing your personality for someone else is dangerous) – but another important part of a healthy relationship is compromise. See Mr. Cello’s comment as well.

Mr. Cello – Excellent, I love how you just picked up where I left off and offered up even more great ideas!

Nar – though if he didn’t really enjoy the photos she took for him (which is also interesting), perhaps this might not work for them either – but great idea for the average couple.

Haa- I wonder if written porn might work better for your wife.

Sorry to run on and take over the discussion, Shay…
I didn’t mean to type so much. ^_^;;