Someone just sent me a joke by e-mail. I’ve had an e-mail address for a long time, so I sorta feel like I’ve seen them all by now – like this one. You’ve probably read it too; it’s the one about the couple who are snuggled in bed, maybe doing a little fondling (though it’s not made clear exactly how “romantic” things were getting), but when it comes time to commit to actual sex, the girlfriend/wife doesn’t want to because she’s not “in the mood.” So the male partner, feeling cheated and unhappy decides to pay his partner back in the closest approximation he can come up with – by taking her shopping for the day, letting her think that he’s going to buy her a bunch of items, and then “changing his mind” and refusing the pay at the last moment.
Boy. he. sure. showed. her. Ha. Ha
Okay, yeah I guess this story really is kinda funny (I DO have some sense of humor) – if you don’t think about it too hard – but it’s also REALLY bad on so many levels.
1. It propagates the myth that women don’t like/want sex. This is dangerous because it can make women feel like they aren’t supposed to like sex; so women who do like sex feel like something is wrong and women who haven’t discovered their sexuality fall too easily into this wide-spread stereotype. Guys, you should know by now that many women do like sex just as much (if not more) than you – and most of the ones who don’t seem to likely have been repressed by society and/or negative experiences.
2. Sure sometimes all it takes are a few neck nibbles and I’m ready to go (tmi?) but that’s not always the case – and likely isn’t for the female subject of this “joke” as well. It’s not like she would have turned him down out of spite or to be cruel, she turned him down because she genuinely wasn’t in the mood – the fondling that got him all excited just wasn’t enough for her. Clearly they have communication issues or she might have felt comfortable enough to tell her partner what she was going to need if he wanted her to be wet/excited enough to have sex.
Also, how do we know that she hadn’t had a really long day and was just plain too tuckered out to think about getting it up? It doesn’t matter how much a woman enjoys sex, if she’s too busy or pre-occupied, her libido is going to suffer. Since this couple seems to slip into stereotypes so readily, she likely had a full day of work and then was expected to cook and clean when she got home – not usually the best fore-foreplay.
3. A few moments of fooling around followed by a non-malicious turn down does in no way equate to a full day of expectation with a pre-determined vindictive denial. I really don’t think I would want to stay in a relationship with someone capable of being so malicious and vindictive. And what kind of message is he trying to send her? That she’s his personal prostitute: therefore he will only spend money on her if she puts out? That’s so wrong.
This story would be so much better/healthier if he had just been joking – and then it ended with the two of them booking an appointment for couples therapy.
Or maybe I’m just reading too much into this joke. What do YOU think?
Heya Shay,
I think you could apply your assessment to most all jokes. I occasionally ponder the nature of comedy and find it difficult to find any form of comedy that doesn’t rely on some type of maliciousness.
You have Chris Rock and his ilk whose comedy relies on racial stereotyping. Then there’s people like Tim Allen who thrive in sexist humor. Then there’s Stephen Wright who, although brilliant in some of his unrelated social commentaries just like Lily Tomlin, focuses his comedy routines on self-deprecation.
Aside from riddles, I have a hard time finding any comedians who don’t use the “put-down” approach to their comedy.
But back to your analysis of the joke you presented:
Your points are all dead-on, but I think this joke comes from a power struggle.
My guess is that if you were to take a poll that poses the question “Who is more likely to turn down sex in your relationship?,” the numbers would point to the woman as the denier.
Of course, you have some very sex-positive female readers on your blog, so you would probably receive some skewed results. Nevertheless, I think you would find that the ladies tend to deny or postpone their men’s sexual advances more often than the inverse. I’m sure I’m not the only attached male who silently screams, “Why does it always have to be a struggle? Why can’t you just say yes, for once?”
I think I can speak for all males when I say we are AlWAYS looking forward to some action, and to turn it down like that makes us sad. :(
Two things. 1. I want way more sex than I have ever gotten from anyone in a long term relationship. How do I end up with men that don’t seem to want it as much as me when supposedly they want it all the time? 2. I ruined so many Disney cartoons for my daughter because of doing the same kind of analyzing. She can’t even watch Peter Pan anymore. Sometimes you have to suspend logic and reason and just go with it for pure entertainment value. Carol
“I think I can speak for all males when I say we are AlWAYS looking forward to some action, and to turn it down like that makes us sad. :(“
Well in my relationship I’m ALWAYS the one getting turned down by my MAN!!! There are a lot of women who are the ones who want the sex when their men are always too tired, have a headache, are sick, or just not in the mood.
I still thought the joke was funny because I”m weird like that but it’s not fair to think that women are the only ones who say no; in my case I know more men who’d rather just hang out or sleep than fuck.
Man I haven’t seen that one in forever.
it does suck that he didn’t get any after what was going on but maybe he should have tried a little harder, and who knows? she could have also just plain been too tired or not in the mood. i would rather not have sex than have sex with someone that is not in the mood for it. it ruins it for me.
and i always thought that the ending was funny but that he sooooo ruined his chances of getting any for a long time after that stunt.
i guess i don’t fall into the catagory of normal but the woman’s pleasure has always taken presidence to me. if i really want some and she’s not in the mood, i can still go masterbate.
Lol, I used to turn down my girlfriend quite often because I was just in the mood to cuddle. It was even more amusing though because I was the one who helped her find her libido to begin with. It always seemed that one of us would be in the mood when the other was doing something or tired…eventually we just learned how to turn the other on quickly, so it eventually worked out…or well that was before we seperated for other reasons.
Side note- You can’t analyze jokes because they’re just there to make people laugh, and very rarely made to provide deep insight into life matters…unless we’re talking satires.
I have learnt through experience to NEVER turn down my spouse about sex!! The two times I did, it was weeks before things returned to normal!
She denies this happening but at some level, she sees my declining as some form of rejection. Better tired sex than no sex.
EWWW!!
You just SPILL your personal sexuality out there for everyone to SEE!!
ROFLMAO
Lightweight
PS: I agree with your assessment. Affection doesn’t and shouldn’t always mean “I want to fuck”.
The only thing I would add is that if the guy in a relationship is desperately frustrated with the lack of sexual attention. He’s not interested in affection. I’ve been friends with those guys. They’re … unhappy.
I, too, have recently dated a guy that did not seem to be all that interested in sex.
Which is why it didn’t last very long…
And, boy, did he like to talk it up and be all dirty with me and get me going and then it would come down to actually DOING something and he’d get all weird.
I think this sort of thing is a PERSONALITY thing and not a gender thing and it also has a lot to do with the dynamic between two people and their own personal confidence/discovering of their own sexuality.
I don’t like this joke either. But, it’s mostly because of the stereotype that all women want is for men to buy them things.
I find that concept, and women who are like that, to be a huge turn-off. I’m not saying a cute, (or sexy,) and heartfelt gift is not nice. Because it is. But a woman taking her man with her shopping so he can pay for everything is ridiculous and not very fun. I would never do that, I never have, and I could find MUCH better ways for the two of us to spend our time together …
…you know…
… the kind of time sans clothes, jewelery, and shoes.
That is…if he’s in the mood.
=P
Have to say I agree with you on this. Sure, there’s a lot of overlap between cruelty and humour, but nine parts cruel to one part funny is not a good cocktail, in my opinion.
I’m a male so what do I know, but in my experience the scenario in the joke is perfectly possible.
Girls sometimes want something between a romantic cuddle and sex; boys almost never. Just a difference in wiring. And just as annoying for both genders.
I think you touch the central issue about communicating and probably having inhibitions or worse towards the appropriateness of sex (it is only necessary once in order to get children, so close your eyes and do it once and get it over with:)