Search Term Erotica

This may or may not surprise you, but I used to write erotica, really good (in my opinion) erotica.
However, today is not a day for “good” erotica, today is a day for search term erotica (a la chelsea girl). Through the month of July I caught many strange and wonderful terms being searched by people who were then lead by their search engine to my sweet little blog.

Come with me as we enter a sordid tale I like to call “It All Started With Cum Smoothies“
[The words that have been coloured are actual searched terms.]

I met her in flower shop near my office, she told me that she was there answering an ad that had read: “women wanted for threesome“. Unfortunately, after nearly an hour of waiting, no one had propositioned her and she was now a woman needing to pee. Since I have a thing for seeing women rubbing their thighs together, I couldn’t resist asking if she’d like to accompany me to the new smoothie place next door. She agreed, saying that she was worried about her bruised inner labia and felt that a smoothie would be just the thing to cure her.

After she had used the facilities, I asked her what kind of smoothie she would like, “Oh! A cum, ginger, vanilla, cucumber, mango smoothie would be lovely” she replied. We watched as the server assembled our smoothies in silence until she remarked, “aren’t you having any fruit in your smoothie?”
“No,” I replied, “you see, fruit changes the taste of my cum.”
“Oh,” she said, “how did you find that out?”
“We did a cum taste test during our last orgy in the gym.”

She laughed as asked me “is withdrawal (pulling out) a good form of birth control?”
“Certainly not!” I shouted.
“Well then, how long do you masturbate ?” she responded cryptically.
“Usually around 15 minutes.”
“Do you have any penis size worries?”
“Well it’s not like I have to worry about my cock hanging out of shorts, but no. Why are you asking me this?”
She laughed and told me that this was her little test, she also told me that she just loved masturbating until the first time she had sex, which she found she liked even better.
I asked her if this was why she was looking to be a threesome guest, she blushed and nodded.

“What household items do you masturbate with?” I asked her, changing the topic. She started listing items like she was some sort of instructional vibrator; “I masturbate using a toothbrush, cucumbers, bed knobs, the shower head…” The list seemed to go on and on; apparently there’s no limit to the things women can masturbate with. I decided to tell her that I used to be addicted to free vibrating toothbrush porn, she liked that.

After we finished our smoothies we decided to head back to my place, to “find out what household items would make masturbating feel really good for boys,” she said. Apparently pounding my fleshlight wasn’t creative enough for her tastes.

I jingled my keys three times as I unlocked the door to my apartment, to let my roommates know that I had a guest with me and that they shouldn’t be lounging around fully naked. It appeared that no one was home, but could tell they hadn’t been gone long, judging by the still gooey fluid on the coffee table that bore a suspicious resemblance to one of the ingredients in my companion’s smoothie.

I caught her starting at the mess in the living room and explained lamely, “well, that’s what happens when my friends get ahold of a fleshlight, they did say that they wanted to see if they could ejaculate without orgasming. You should have seen what happened the time we experimented to see if shaving will make my cock look bigger, or the time when we were kids and attempted to answer the age-old question – how many times can you masturbate if you are 12?“

She laughed and proceeded to relate the hilarity of the time that she and her friends had rented a series of queefing pussy fart videos – a girl after my own heart!

We retreated to my bedroom and started fooling around, it wasn’t long until we starting tearing each other’s clothes off. I was very glad that I had learned the procedure for shaving cock after the last time I had a new woman in my room.

Last month’s encounter with the girl from the “exibitionist wife, truth or dare” cabaret that I had attended had ended in disaster. Things started out well, but when I went down on her and was faced with a massive bush of hair I couldn’t help but ask her why she didn’t trim her pussy. She had responded by shouting at me, “well you don’t even wax your balls! My ex boyfriends’ cocks were much more impressive!” She had then stormed out of my house mumbling something about the removal of balls through anus.

Cum smoothie girl certainly did seem more normal. I took off her top and started playing with her breasts, then she grabbed the bulge in my crotch and asked, “will you show and tell me about your erection?” I was happy to oblige, and took off my pants. “Ooo, nice pubes, ” she moaned, stroking my shaft with her hands.

She leaned back and asked me to close my eyes and stroke myself for her while she watched, “but don’t ejaculate, please.” I was happy to comply and began rubbing and sliding my hand up and down my shaft, but I couldn’t keep my eyes closed any longer once I started hearing her real woman masturbating sounds – it sounded so hot, I just had to see her!

She smiled at me and kept pumping her fingers in and out of her pussy, “are men turned on by female ejaculation?” she asked me demurely. “Sure,” I replied, ” as long as she’s not peeing during sex, it’s fine with me.” She grinned and started pumping her hand faster and faster until she cried out in ecstasy and I saw a little spurt of clear fluid from her vagina. “That was so hot,” I moaned, as I leaned forward to kiss her pussy.

She giggled and pulled me up so that I could enter her. I won’t go into any details here, but I can tell you that the sex was hot and wild and involved multiple penetration. I’m sure I will be seeing her again soon.

The end.

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hehe I hope you enjoyed that!