“Dear Shay,
I have been with my wife for 4 years and married for 2. I have been away from home 9 months for work.
I recently found out that my wife slept with another guy when they were both drunk. The guy took pictures when he did it. I found them, she confessed that it was a one time thing, a weak moment (she didn’t know about the pics). We have both decided that we can forgive and work through it.
So my question is that, when I come home in 3 months how can I get those pictures out of my head to be able to perform sexually with her? Knowing that I have seen my wife with another guy.
I love her very much I still find her very attractive, I just don’t know what to do. I would appreciate any help you can give.
Confused_Man“
Being far away from a partner is always hard and worrying about their faithfulness just makes the distance seem further.
I’m so sorry to hear that this has happened to you, often finding picture proof of a partner’s guilt can be much worse than just hearing about it.
This is certainly going to be a fairly big hurdle for the two of you in your relationship.
Firstly, you should delete the photos, all of them.
Secondly, you are going to have to decide if you really do forgive her, I know you said in your e-mail that you both have decided to work through this – but you are both really going to have to be committed to staying together in a healthy relationship.
For instance, she is going to have to make sure that she really does want to stay with you and that this wasn’t the start (or the middle) of a trend for how she deals with you being away from her.
I’m not saying that she is a chronic cheater or that she will become one – I’m only saying that, often the best way to predict how someone is going to behave is by looking at their past behaviour.
But people do change, and she if she is going to be committed to staying faithful to you, it would probably be a good idea for her to not put herself into situations where she will be tempted or might lose her inhibitions with alcohol ( she should especially avoid getting so drunk that she doesn’t know when dirty pictures are being taken of her).
They say that to err is human, but to forgive is divine – and you’re really going to have to forgive her to make this work. This isn’t like forgiving her for selling your comic book collection or for putting non-synthetic oil in your car. When you get home you are going to have to have a long talk with your wife; this should be the time when you air out all of your feelings and issues about what happened.
Ask her whatever you need to – “was he better than me?“, “do you still love/want me?“, etc; but make sure get you get it all off your chest in one go.
After this talk, if you are still going to work on staying together, you can’t be bringing this incident up all the time and you especially cannot use it as ammunition during an argument.
[If you find that you can't stop thinking about it or bringing it up with her after a few weeks, then it's probably time to head for couples therapy (which might not be a bad idea to try from the start).]
You might not know how you really feel until you get home, but it’s probably a good idea to take things slow, especially sexually, at least at the start. Plan to sleep in separate rooms for the first few nights. Take your wife out on some nice dates so you can get to know each other again and take the time to run the bases at your leisure.
If you are both fully committed to getting through this, I know everything will work out just fine.
Good Luck!
Comments have been turned off at reader’s request.
Shay you are so wise its shocking your comments are both logical and comforting and you get accross a solid message which is very helpful keep up the good work
Your advice is something I couldn’t have said better myself. Brava!
Unfortunately I’m in the same situation – my significant other having cheated on me while she was out of the country. Getting over this will be extremely difficult, but if you love each other enough you should be able to get through it!
I found it easier to get over it after I made her tell me all the details, even though it was very painful. Just try to think of it as her just having fun, and hope she got it out of her system.
Best of luck man, God knows we all need it in times like these!
I am intrigued by something.
This young man said he FOUND the pictures and that his wife didn’t know that pictures were taken.
I think there is something elese going on here, something unsaid and possibly illegal.
Is it just me?
Also, take your own pictures!
Together, burn the old ones…get a new image in your head.
She is a sexual creature, just know that she’s your sexual creature.
…then move on, both of you.
She’s man enough to fess-up, you be man enough to forgive.
now go do the right thing