Upon popping open my Laptop the other evening I was met with this message from one of my friends:
JP says:
My friend and me are sitting here debating sex. The question is… is it a mans responsibility to make a woman have an orgasm or is it the woman’s?
We both agree society puts the responsibility on men but what do you think?
My Answer:
Here’s the thing. Sex is a team sport. Both partners are on the same team and both players are trying to score (usually). The idea is that while the two of you are playing (i.e. having some crazy hot sex) you each do your best to help your teammate score (i.e. orgasm). Your partner will do their best to help you cum and you will do your best to help your partner cum too (assuming you both are able to orgasm).
Maybe it seems like the onus is on the male partner to make his female partner cum but that is a misconception and a misunderstanding.
Unfortunately orgasms, particularly the time needed to reach orgasm, is often unequal between men and women. Many men reach orgasm before (or well before) their female partner so perhaps for some it seems like boring and tedious work to help their teammate because they have already scored and some would rather just get back to whatever they were doing – but they now feel obligated.
Guys, it’s not your responsibility to make sure that your female partner has an orgasm every time you have sex. If she’s going to cum, she’s not going to be leaving all the work up to you! But it’s not entirely her responsibility to make sure that she has an orgasm (if she’s able) either!
Like I said, it’s a team effort and you both put effort into both of your orgasms. Maybe she does that hip thing you like and plays with your balls so that you can cum and you give her clit that extra attention or her pussy the deep penetration that she needs so that she can come.
See! Teamwork!
Great answer! Perhaps a good question to ask a prospective sex partner would be, “Are you a team player?” :-)~
Hugs
Des
Good answer, Shay. You’re right. It’s not so much my responsiblity to make sure my partner has an orgasm as it is my responsibility to have sex *with* her and not just get my rocks off, roll over, and fall asleep.
In the bad old days (which I can remember) that in itself was a radical proposition, and it made more sense to say it was the man’s responsibility. Which came as quite a shock to huge numbers of men, and quite a few women, who had no idea women could have orgasms in the first place!
For better or worse (I vote *much* better) men have become more aware that sex involves partnership, and that there’s more to impressing a partner than showing up (extra credit for extra size.)
Me? I’m gonna say it’s both partie’s responsibility to make sure that if orgasms are desired then everybody has one.
Oh, one more thing. I think times are changing, but a lot of people still imagine that “have an orgasm” means have one during intercourse, without any other stimulation. I happen to think that’s unrealistic, at least till you’re either very lucky, very good in bed, or familiar with each other’s fairly unique patterns. It’s important to remind people that it’s not cheating if one or both of you use your fingers to help things along. I think more people feel disappointed that they “have to” resort to that kind of “cheating” than nearly any other issue in sex.
Take care,
figleaf
Excellent thoughts Shay (and Figleaf), I agree that it is both partners task, as in team work. A bad thing can be when people get too focussed on orgasm, which can lead to disappointments. Really important I think is knowing your own body, knowing exactly what it is that you need to be able to come and share this (even in unspolen words) … Sweet to think about this ! – A
We agree with you. It is a team sport and we work together to reach orgasm.
We normally focus on my orgasm first since Ken cums so much easier than I do. The best part about me cumming first is that I can then have multiples once Ken enters me.
However, there are days that no matter how hard we try I can’t cum, but we still continue until Ken climaxes since it is enjoyable whether I cum or not.
Jen
You said it. Go Team!
I just love playing team sports!! Nicely said everyone, couldn’t agree more, let’s have at it. :)
This is so appropriate! Great post.
Very insightful post and comments. I guess I’ve never given it a lot of thought. I know I’ve always enjoyed sex; an orgasm makes it that much better, but even without, I enjoy it. I also know I’ve been disappointed before when I wasn’t able to make him orgasm. Having read and thought about all this, I realize now that I have usually blamed myself for not being able to orgasm, and for not being able to make him. The thought that it’s a team sport makes me feel much better about it all. Now if I could only find a teammate…
That is just a fantastic post! We must play together.
x
Talk about putting the “bop” in Cowboy Bebop…sorry had to make the joke.
Nice post. I tend to get off most on the other person’s high so it’s rarely been an issue. I guess I always figured that both partners should do three things in or out of bed:
Know themselves
Pay attention to the other
Try to please
I think if both people really pay attention and try to bring pleasure, well, they should be able to work together to have great sex. Heck, everything else oughta be pretty good too.