Don’t Worry, It’s Safe

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Now that you know how good masturbation is for you (esp. if you aren’t getting any sex), I bet you’re wondering why some people think it’s wrong and just won’t do it.

Masturbation has had a bad wrap for centuries. In fact, even the word “masturbate” comes from the Latin “masturbari” which means: “to pollute oneself”. Not a very encouraging term.

In Victorian times, children and young adolescents weren’t allowed to put their hands in the pockets – in case they touched themselves through the material. At bedtime, some little boys had to go to sleep with a band around their penis; an alarm would go off if they got hard during the night.

Although those terrible times are over, when you were kids/young teens, I’m sure a few (or more ) of you heard that masturbation is bad for you – it could give you pimples, make you go blind, or cause you to grow fur on your palms!

If you’re Jewish or Christian, you may have even been told by your parents or rabbi/pastor/priest that masturbation is a sin! Usually they would bring up Onan (masturbation is sometimes called “onanism”) – the passage that this idea comes from is Genesis 38:8-10:

“And Judah [AKA God] said unto Onan. Go in unto thy brother’s wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.
And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and to came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.
And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also.”

There you go, so many years of guilty feelings about masturbation all because of a misinterpretation of that little bible passage.

What’s really going on in that passage is this: Onan’s brother is dead, but God wanted a kid from the dead brother. So God tells Onan to go marry the brother’s widow (which was actually a common practice) and screw her – at this time, God would miraculously change Onan’s sperm into his brother’s sperm, so the child begotten would have the dead brother’s “DNA”.
But Onan wasn’t down with this plan – why should he squirt sperm that is not his into a chick and then raise a kid that belongs to his brother?!
However, he didn’t jerk off to get rid of his brother’s sperm – “he went in unto his brother’s wife” – Onan still had sex with her, he just pulled out! So really…I guess the accurate translation is that: “God” hates it when you pull out…however, I would go on to postulate that “God” really only hated it when Onan pulled out .

[However – I will smite you if you try to use the withdraw “method” instead of using a real form of birth control!]

Voila! As far as I know, the only bad things that can happen to a person if they masturbate too much is: wrist or elbow strain, chaffing/loss of sensitivity, stains, or loss of a social life and friends (if you spend too much time locked in your room). And these are all remedied by taking a break from masturbating for a little while (or at least masturbating in moderation) – except for the stains, you’re going to have to use soap and water on those. ^_~